It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post for you. Jane requested a post on 1, 2, 3…so here I am, sitting and writing about something I noticed in him, but did not notice in myself until I was asked about it.

Most of you have read some of my posts and know that my marriage is in its 3rd decade. You know that I was blindsided in 2018 with a therapeutic disclosure wherein my “husband” shared all of his secrets–sexual secrets that had been kept hidden from me our entire married life. For the past three years, I kept asking myself, “Who is this guy? I don’t know him. He is not whom I married nor the man I fell in love with so many years ago. And I don’t even think I like him.”

For over 33 years, I believed him to be my partner, lover, best friend, etc. That is the person he showed himself to be during those decades together. I’m not saying it was all roses as no marriage is. But I believed…no, I knew…that he was who he showed me he was. That wasn’t true though, and if you are reading this, it most likely wasn’t true for you either. That person I believed he was was Number 1. And he was Number 1, not just to me, but to our entire family, friends, colleagues. But in all actuality, Number 1 wasn’t real. He didn’t exist. He was a “great pretender” (cue The Platters here–and if you don’t know The Platters, go look up the song, “The Great Pretender”).

No, he wasn’t Number 1. In actuality, he was Number 2. And who was Number 2? Someone I surely didn’t know. Someone who chose behaviors that knocked me to the floor snot crying asking myself how this could be true, how this could happen. And, for almost 2 years, I was there, taking baby steps forward, but wary and untrusting towards him, afraid and closed off and trying to figure out who this man was. I didn’t want to know this man at all. I wanted nothing to do with him. His choices and behaviors nauseated me, gut-punched me and I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was. I just knew something was happening to me deep inside, a cracking, a breaking, a shattering. And my Number 1, me, S. Heart, was also becoming a Number 2. The person I was as Number 1 died the day of disclosure. Not a physical death for sure, but a death nonetheless. That Number 1 no longer existed. Number 2 had taken her place. And my Number 2, just like his Number 2, began becoming a Number 3. Only I didn’t realize any of my Number 1, 2, or 3 because I only saw it in him.

It was one of my therapists whom I was sitting with and talking with about his Number 1, 2, and 3 who opened my eyes. She got quiet and then asked, “What about you?” which confused me as I wasn’t sure where she was going. And then she said, “You, too, were Number 1, the woman that married, raised a family, was a great wife and mom, and then that Number 1 became Number 2 on the day of discovery and then full disclosure. That Number 2 isn’t here anymore. You, too, have become a Number 3. Healing has taken place, you know your worth, you know you did nothing wrong to cause this, and you have become a new person, as well.

And she was right. My Number 1 person no longer exists. Number 2 has faded although there are times a situation or circumstance will trigger her back again. And Number 3, well, Number 3 is rising like a phoenix. God does indeed give beauty for ashes (Is. 61.3).

My spouse is becoming Number 3. A man on a mission of healing childhood wounding and traumas. It isn’t a perfect mission, but I do see change happening. It takes a lot of work to get through SA, IA, and Mother Enmeshment issues. He has a very long way to go to become the man he should have always been, and I am still not sure I like him very much. Couples therapy hasn’t happened yet but is set to begin in the near future (at his request). I had no desire to do couples therapy last year. I just wanted to be left alone (still in Number 2 mode). But this past month, he asked and I agreed. I believe we will either start over in a new marriage or we will see that it may be time to go our separate ways. Either way, I know I will be fine. Number 3 is a strong and confident woman, ready to see what life will throw her way.

So wherever you are in this journey called betrayal, a Number 1, 2, or 3, just know you won’t stay there. Do the work, heal, and trust yourself. You are strong, you are amazing, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Signing off for now. S. Heart