This post of the series is written specifically for the guys. I want to take a moment to say that both S. Heart and I are approaching the four year mark post discovery. We’d both say that we have recently seen some encouraging change in our husbands. We see glimmers of something new growing in their lives. I wanted to share an example. A friend in a support group who is also married to a good guy reached out to…
Our nice guy husbands don’t seem like narcissists. They’re charming rule-followers, often Christians. So I understand if you have trouble considering that your good guy might be struggling with a personality disorder or a smattering of traits from a few. When I hear the word “narcissist” I think “hollow core.” This word is ubiquitous and means different things to different people. This doesn’t diminish the fact that addicts have narcissistic traits which cause harm to relationships and partners. Narcs have…
As I share about this season in our story, I feel the tone getting darker. I do believe there is hope, but recovery journeys can get worse before they get better. Ours did! And I think it needed to be that way to uncover real roots of the addiction. I don’t think many partners are prepared for that to happen, and it does quite a bit. If you need hope around this issue, hang with me. I promise in a…
A lot of girls are attracted to the bad boy type. I’ve always liked the nerd or nice guy in the crowd. I grew up around plenty of real life bad boys, and that was no life at all, in my book. I’ve watched countless women be abandoned by dead beat dads. So I went hard in the opposite direction. The opposite of the bad boy would be a grounded, authentic man, not a nice guy. Now we all know…
Part of what is so maddening about being in recovery with a nice guy is that you’re confronted with what looks like very kind and mature behavior alongside things like deception, betrayal, and even harmful behavior. Here is one duped wife’s account. Many unhealthy folks engaging in the latter kinds of things you can see coming from a mile away. Their lives are littered with broken relationships, immaturity, and aimlessness. Society hasn’t caught up to the notion that one can…
I find several things about Abdul Saad’s theories brilliant! Did this give you clarity that your spouse is more of one than the other or did you feel like he has characteristics of both a pseudo alpha male and a nice guy? Did he start out nice then become more alpha as he took the downward spiral that Saad talked about in video 5? The truth is that humans have created psychological classifications/categories to try and make sense of human…
You might be in recovery with a “nice guy” if: He faithfully goes to therapy or group but you’re not sure what, if anything, is changing. You and everyone else was *shocked* that he had a secret life – especially a sexual one. Your therapist or coach has said “He’s a really great guy. I like him.” Your friends and family think you’re living the dream with Prince Charming. He never skips church – even when deep in addiction. He…