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Category: self care

The Bog of Despond, Part 2 of 6 – Paradigm Shifts

The Bog of Despond, Part 2 of 6 – Paradigm Shifts

In the 90’s I fell in love with a quirky movie called “Clifford” about a charming boy who leaves a wake of destruction en route to his place of bliss – an amusement park called Dinosaur World. He’s under the care of his uncle, whom Clifford has driven to temporary madness. My favorite part of the movie is when his uncle, after a series of disastrous losses that Clifford unleashes upon him, tries to have an instructive, corrective conversation with…

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Hello Again & Shock

Hello Again & Shock

Hi Friends, I can’t believe I haven’t written since January! I think about you, our journeys, and the truths we share here often. I had a very busy Spring with work. Over the summer I got to teach some material that I love – not recovery/infidelity related. I enjoyed it tremendously. Fall is always busy for our family. Lots of hustle and bustle around here. But I’m glad to be back, and I want to tell you I have a…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 7 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 7 of 9

Our nice guy husbands don’t seem like narcissists. They’re charming rule-followers, often Christians. So I understand if you have trouble considering that your good guy might be struggling with a personality disorder or a smattering of traits from a few. When I hear the word “narcissist” I think “hollow core.” This word is ubiquitous and means different things to different people. This doesn’t diminish the fact that addicts have narcissistic traits which cause harm to relationships and partners. Narcs have…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 6 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 6 of 9

As I share about this season in our story, I feel the tone getting darker. I do believe there is hope, but recovery journeys can get worse before they get better. Ours did! And I think it needed to be that way to uncover real roots of the addiction. I don’t think many partners are prepared for that to happen, and it does quite a bit. If you need hope around this issue, hang with me. I promise in a…

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Ghost of Christmas Past

Ghost of Christmas Past

I don’t know why in the fog and shock of the discovery of infidelity wives think about Christmas! My Dday was in April, but for some reason I asked “Did you look at p*rn in December?” It mattered to me. Christmas can be a haunting reminder of the years and decades that we were being actively deceived and hurt. Maybe in secret or maybe in the wide open for all to see. We can’t understand that our partner could enjoy…

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How Betrayal Creates a Trauma Loop

How Betrayal Creates a Trauma Loop

Nothing can compare with those early days of being stuck in a Dday nightmare: you can’t sleep, you cry all day, everything you have cherished and worked for is forever changed. You’re wrecked, and this is not hyperbole. Then with some work, life finds a certain rhythm again. Nothing like your former life, but more stable than in early recovery. If your recovering marriage is anything like mine at the 3+ year mark, it’s stable but kind of lonely. He’s…

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Addiction 101, Part 8: Parts and Dissociation

Addiction 101, Part 8: Parts and Dissociation

In Megyn Kelly’s memoir, she tells a story from her teen years of complaining to her dad one night in December as he sat by the Christmas tree. Her parents couldn’t afford her class ring, and she was upset and stormed off to bed. That was the last time she saw her dad because he had a lethal heart attack that night. Megyn was behaving as a typical adolescent – obsessed with self and peers. Teenagers don’t understand making financial…

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Addiction 101, Part 6: Simply Sober

Addiction 101, Part 6: Simply Sober

Did you have a good marriage before Dday? I loved my marriage! Not every season was wonderful, but I can’t remember one day not being madly in love with my husband. (What three years of recovery work has taught me is this probably has more to do with my own disposition than my actual marriage, but I digress.) I spent several months of early recovery “just wanting to go back to how things were.” We all learn too soon that…

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