Today I am starting a long series on the basics of addiction. The series will contain about 20 posts. I hope you’ll go on this learning journey with me because I am certain it’s imperative the partner of an addict must be able to identify addiction in its tracks for her own health and safety. Addiction education helps the addict even more!

This topic must begin and end with the issue of maturity. When we are talking about maturity, we are talking about how one develops and grows. Growing is automatic while GROWING UP requires intentionality. Author Jim Wilder says that “Addiction is a catastrophic failure to mature.” Jim Wilder – along with many psychologists, theologians, doctors, and inner healers – have developed a model for growth and healing that centers around the concept of how the brain develops, functions and impacts a person’s maturity and relationships. They call these teachings The Life Model. Maturity is not the ability to follow instructions, obey rules, or be successful. The Life Model defines maturity as the ability to stay open to giving and receiving, even in challenging circumstances. Maturity will always involve emotion regulation and tending to the relationships in your life.

In the videos below, you’ll see Jim’s wife Kitty talk about the stages of maturity as outlined in the Life Model:

Infant – Receiving well and developing capacities for joy and rest.

Child – Using your voice to take good care of self. As an older child starts approaching adulthood, one must take ownership of their growth to begin growing up.

Adult – Taking care of yourself and one other person (this involves one of my favorite emotional processes: mirroring or co-regulating). As adults we can take what was given to us in terms of childhood experiences and programming and being to shore up the missing maturity spots in our lives. You’ll hear Kitty share about the very important boundary concept of containment (not using our power to injure others).

Parent – Taking care of yourself and several others, being stable enough to calm immature others without losing stability

Elder – Taking care of a community (this phase shouldn’t be entered until your youngest child is at adult maturity level)

One of the great teachers of this concept is Pia Mellody who works at The Meadows addiction treatment facility. Her book “Facing Codependence” is about underdevelopment or immaturity. In a podcast, I heard Pia share how in the 1970s and 1980s, addicts could come for inpatient treatment at The Meadows and leave there going on to thrive. However, she began to see in the 1990s that addicts still needed 2-3 years of therapy after inpatient addiction treatment because society is reinforcing immaturity on such a grand scale. Addicts today are missing many important maturity skills for optimal adult functioning. Pia’s writings coordinate well with the Life Model teachings. She has broken down the dynamics of childhood development to the nuts and bolts. When reading her books and you come across the word “codependence” simply exchange it with the word “immature.”

For Partners: Doug Weiss says that partners of addicts have been over-functioning for a long time. Friend, chances are, as you’ve read this post, you’re well aware that being married to your husband has felt like managing another child for many years. Hopefully this series will help you to see and stop participating with addiction in your husband’s life. You deserve to be married to a grown-ass man. If you’re interested in learning more about how the Life Model can help partners of addicts, click here and sign up for the group Healing Through Joy. I learned about the Life Model from beloved Coach Katherine at Circle of Joy. Once I had safety through good boundaries and all the truth through disclosure and a passed polygraph, God provided an opportunity for me to learn these principles. They truly have been healing for my brain. You also may want to check out Doug Weiss’ material on When You Marry a Child, Don’t Expect a Man (Right Away). Here is a free interview on his video. A prayer minister once told S. Heart and me that if our husband is a believer, then there is a seed of sonship in him. It may be covered by years of partnering with the enemy. But at his core, he is an adult son of God – not an addict or a little boy. More than anyone else, you’re going to see addiction and immaturity in your husband, but that’s not the most important part of him. Now you will be able to spot and speak truth into immature and destructive thinking and behaviors. You can bring light into darkness – it only takes a spark when things are very dark.

For Addicts: If you want to know more about how the Life Model can help with sex addiction, Deeper Walk Ministries has a great webinar on the topic called Slaying the Monster. This is where we heard the analogy that maturity is like a Jenga game. When we have gaps in the early, foundational parts of our maturity, as the Jenga tower gets taller, those holes in the bottom cause the tower to become more and more unstable until it topples. You can address and shore up those gaps in your life. If your wife is willing to read this series and do the work required to heal from your betrayal, there’s no greater gift you could give her than “manning up” and learning/doing this work right alongside her. Don’t take cues from a grossly immature culture. Don’t take cues from the part of your brain overgrown by “addict think”. Take cues from God who says redemption is possible. Take cues from healthy, strong men. The gospel for Christians means fresh starts and new beginnings. It’s true. My husband is doing this hard work every single day, and you can too. You’re not alone.

Resources:

Michael John Cusick interviews Jim Wilder at Restoring the Soul, Episode 151

“Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You”

Movie The Kid