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Category: maturity

The Bog of Despond, Part 2 of 6 – Paradigm Shifts

The Bog of Despond, Part 2 of 6 – Paradigm Shifts

In the 90’s I fell in love with a quirky movie called “Clifford” about a charming boy who leaves a wake of destruction en route to his place of bliss – an amusement park called Dinosaur World. He’s under the care of his uncle, whom Clifford has driven to temporary madness. My favorite part of the movie is when his uncle, after a series of disastrous losses that Clifford unleashes upon him, tries to have an instructive, corrective conversation with…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 8 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 8 of 9

This post of the series is written specifically for the guys. I want to take a moment to say that both S. Heart and I are approaching the four year mark post discovery. We’d both say that we have recently seen some encouraging change in our husbands. We see glimmers of something new growing in their lives. I wanted to share an example. A friend in a support group who is also married to a good guy reached out to…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 7 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 7 of 9

Our nice guy husbands don’t seem like narcissists. They’re charming rule-followers, often Christians. So I understand if you have trouble considering that your good guy might be struggling with a personality disorder or a smattering of traits from a few. When I hear the word “narcissist” I think “hollow core.” This word is ubiquitous and means different things to different people. This doesn’t diminish the fact that addicts have narcissistic traits which cause harm to relationships and partners. Narcs have…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 4 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 4 of 9

Part of what is so maddening about being in recovery with a nice guy is that you’re confronted with what looks like very kind and mature behavior alongside things like deception, betrayal, and even harmful behavior. Here is one duped wife’s account. Many unhealthy folks engaging in the latter kinds of things you can see coming from a mile away. Their lives are littered with broken relationships, immaturity, and aimlessness. Society hasn’t caught up to the notion that one can…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 2 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 2 of 9

I find several things about Abdul Saad’s theories brilliant! Did this give you clarity that your spouse is more of one than the other or did you feel like he has characteristics of both a pseudo alpha male and a nice guy? Did he start out nice then become more alpha as he took the downward spiral that Saad talked about in video 5? The truth is that humans have created psychological classifications/categories to try and make sense of human…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 1 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 1 of 9

You might be in recovery with a “nice guy” if: He faithfully goes to therapy or group but you’re not sure what, if anything, is changing. You and everyone else was *shocked* that he had a secret life – especially a sexual one. Your therapist or coach has said “He’s a really great guy. I like him.” Your friends and family think you’re living the dream with Prince Charming. He never skips church – even when deep in addiction. He…

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1, 2, 3….. Becoming Someone Different–Both of Us

1, 2, 3….. Becoming Someone Different–Both of Us

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post for you. Jane requested a post on 1, 2, 3…so here I am, sitting and writing about something I noticed in him, but did not notice in myself until I was asked about it. Most of you have read some of my posts and know that my marriage is in its 3rd decade. You know that I was blindsided in 2018 with a therapeutic disclosure wherein my “husband” shared all…

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Addiction 101, Part 10: IA and RCs

Addiction 101, Part 10: IA and RCs

One of the most awkward and painful experiences for a parter healing from betrayal trauma must be attending weddings. We see the groom pledging his undying love and commitment to the giddy, believing wife. “I will always be there for you. I will serve you. I will never tire of gazing into your eyes. Every morning I will make you coffee and every night I’ll let you cry on my shoulder.” It’s even more awkward when you’re trying to help…

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Addiction 101, Part 8: Parts and Dissociation

Addiction 101, Part 8: Parts and Dissociation

In Megyn Kelly’s memoir, she tells a story from her teen years of complaining to her dad one night in December as he sat by the Christmas tree. Her parents couldn’t afford her class ring, and she was upset and stormed off to bed. That was the last time she saw her dad because he had a lethal heart attack that night. Megyn was behaving as a typical adolescent – obsessed with self and peers. Teenagers don’t understand making financial…

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