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The Bog of Despond, Part 2 of 6 – Paradigm Shifts

The Bog of Despond, Part 2 of 6 – Paradigm Shifts

In the 90’s I fell in love with a quirky movie called “Clifford” about a charming boy who leaves a wake of destruction en route to his place of bliss – an amusement park called Dinosaur World. He’s under the care of his uncle, whom Clifford has driven to temporary madness. My favorite part of the movie is when his uncle, after a series of disastrous losses that Clifford unleashes upon him, tries to have an instructive, corrective conversation with…

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The Bog of Despond, Part 1 of 6 – Middle Recovery

The Bog of Despond, Part 1 of 6 – Middle Recovery

Discovery, disclosure, and polygraph are all terribly painful. However during that season, there can be hope for a better future. Also, we have a team of professionals on board to help us get to the other side. Often we’ve even been promised that if we make it through to the other side of disclosure, we’ll have a marriage far better than what we thought we had before Dday. Usually partners decide the new-and-improved relationship is worth the pain that accompanies…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Summary

Nice Guy or Something Else? Summary

Part 1 – Videos on Nice Guys and Pseudo Alpha Males Part 2 – Personality Structure Part 3 – Personality Disorders Part 4 – The Spectrum of an Abuser Part 5 – His Double Life, Her Cognitive Dissonance Part 6 – More on My Story’s Tipping Point Part 7 – Tips for Her Part 8 – Tips for Him While I was writing this series I saw these socks for sale (post photo)! We know better, ladies. Being a so-called…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 8 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 8 of 9

This post of the series is written specifically for the guys. I want to take a moment to say that both S. Heart and I are approaching the four year mark post discovery. We’d both say that we have recently seen some encouraging change in our husbands. We see glimmers of something new growing in their lives. I wanted to share an example. A friend in a support group who is also married to a good guy reached out to…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 7 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 7 of 9

Our nice guy husbands don’t seem like narcissists. They’re charming rule-followers, often Christians. So I understand if you have trouble considering that your good guy might be struggling with a personality disorder or a smattering of traits from a few. When I hear the word “narcissist” I think “hollow core.” This word is ubiquitous and means different things to different people. This doesn’t diminish the fact that addicts have narcissistic traits which cause harm to relationships and partners. Narcs have…

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Ghost of Christmas Past

Ghost of Christmas Past

I don’t know why in the fog and shock of the discovery of infidelity wives think about Christmas! My Dday was in April, but for some reason I asked “Did you look at p*rn in December?” It mattered to me. Christmas can be a haunting reminder of the years and decades that we were being actively deceived and hurt. Maybe in secret or maybe in the wide open for all to see. We can’t understand that our partner could enjoy…

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Addiction 101, Part 14: The Key

Addiction 101, Part 14: The Key

In the previous post we covered how the painful feeling of shame makes us hide from relationship, which makes us run to addiction to numb, which makes us ashamed after we act out. Shame fuels addiction and addiction fuels shame. Is there a key to unlock this pesky cycle? Actually, yes! But it requires a broader understanding of what addiction is. Some call it a boundary disorder. Some call it an intimacy disorder. Yes, both true. But I like how…

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