Hearing Dr. Jake Porter explain how infidelity causes the filing system of a partner’s brain to “explode” resonates, doesn’t it? Here we are, ladies, with all our files, memories, and self-concepts dumped all over the place. We don’t know where to begin putting ourselves back together, but we want so desperately to function again. The thought of living under these new circumstances is daunting!

In this day in time, most marriages fail. I’d say usually both parties are happy about it, too. It was a miserable marriage. That’s not us. The readers of this blog are experiencing trauma in the face our relationships splitting at the seams precisely because we weren’t unhappy. We lived our lives committed to our partners, our marriages, our families, and our futures together. The betrayed partners I know are GOOD, nurturing women who have hearts of gold. They’re the cream of the crop, beautiful souls. And that’s why you’re struggling with your relationship being in this broken state.

Any relationship facing infidelity, abuse*, mental health disorders, or addiction are going to struggle, at least for a time. (Keep in mind that not everyone who commits adultery is a sex addict – for some it was an isolated event or a stupid season.) Sexual addiction takes the cake, because not only does it involve all the elements I listed above, but it strikes at the heart of something the two partners should only share with each other – sexuality. That was the agreement. The most vulnerable thing about you wasn’t treasured and respected as it should be. Let that sink in for a moment. Marriages experience struggles like physical illnesses, job loss, rebellious kids, and so on. But throw in simply one of the elements I listed above, and the couple is now thrown into the masters program of suffering. No one brings you a meal when you’re married to an addict or because your spouse cheated on you. In fact, they run from you like you have cooties and you’re contagious.

Beginning to come to terms with being married to a sex addict is seeing you’re in the doctorate program of relational pain. I’ve heard it said the only thing more painful to an adult than experiencing infidelity is losing a child. And yet most of us are carrying this pain isolated from the support and understanding of others because it’s so taboo and misunderstood. So give yourself some space to breathe and grieve. I know you never thought you’d be here, nor do you know where you’ll end up.

*While some marriages impacted by betrayal do experience physical or financial abuse, they all experience what Omar Minwalla has coined as Integrity-Abuse Disorder (IAD). This abuse is where a power imbalance is created in the relationship by one partner keeping profound sexual secrets and using lying and gaslighting to manipulate reality for the faithful partner. Receiving this abuse by an intimate partner that you loved and trusted is very damaging to one’s ability to trust self and others in the future, or even to find a sense of safety in the world.

Part 2