A lot of my struggle with coming to terms with my marriage after Dday is that I know what kind of relationship we had for almost 21 years before discovery. We did have a strange season in the early years of our marriage that didn’t include sexual acting out, but it did require quite a bit of counseling and healing. We put the work in and had a very good relationship for years. Many friends told me they envied the fun times Phil and I shared together on a regular basis. What file do I store those memories in now? The TREASON file?… Making sense of it all is beyond me, and yet my brain screaming “threat threat threat” in relation to my husband demands answers.

A couple of stories I’ve picked up from other betrayed wives stick out. One wife, just before hearing their disclosure, was told by the therapist “Remember as you hear all these horrible things that there were Christmas mornings in there, too. And those were real.” That was a healing statement for her during recovery. It’s taking a little more work for me to understand that statement, but I can think it’s true.

Another example a betrayed wife (now over a decade out from Dday) told me is that she was finally able to understand their new relationship in this way: She said she understands her husband’s sexual addiction as an illness like diabetes. He must understand that he has a condition that requires responsible actions to manage. She won’t get upset at the fact that they can’t eat desserts like other couples can, but she has every right to be upset if he continues to eat sugar and gets sicker and sicker.

I recently heard another sex addict say there’s no shame in having a food allergy, for example. And while that’s true, it’s still his responsibility to tell the waiter he’s susceptible to ensure he survives each day. We wives have to come to terms with our husband’s addiction and susceptibilities too. And that’s no easy thing, especially if they seemed healthy before you found out about all this….

Recently I’ve thought about it in this way, which has been helpful: The issues or deficits our partners had coming into marriage are a major system malfunction AND took a while to manifest. Imagine building your dream home in the country. Your family thoroughly enjoys living there. Yes, you had many magical Christmas mornings! You’ve invested a lot of love and money into this place. Then one day you’re eating breakfast while someone is using the bathroom on the second floor. They flush the toilet, and the sewage comes leaking down through the ceiling onto your head and the breakfast table. Within weeks, all the pipes start leaking through the drywall causing tens of thousands of dollars of damage. You’re living in a state of disrepair and chaos. Not knowing exactly what’s wrong with the plumbing, you don’t want to patch the sheetrock to have it leak through the walls again. After lots of specialists investigating, you discover that there was toxic material that leaked into the water system which causes the pipes corrode extremely fast. You can replace the pipes, but as long your house sets on this piece of land and uses the water accessible to it, the problem still exists. Using piping material that would be impervious to the corrosion would cost more than the home and land is worth.

The same water was running through the pipes before you knew about the toxicity issues. You had many beautiful Christmases there before you knew… Those were real, but all take on a slightly different meaning in your memory now. This problem leaks and seeps into other parts of life. For example, others don’t visit you as often. You still owe over $500K on the mortgage even though you’ll never be free from expensive plumbing repairs or water testing. Learning about this issue changes almost every way you live in the house.

Sexual addiction seeps into many parts of life as well. To go back to the diabetes example, that’s a different illness than stumping your toe. It’s not a one-and-done. It requires life-long attention that you can’t ignore or walk away from. It affects other systems such as your eyesight, kidneys, and energy levels. In the next post we will take an even deeper look at what that means for the couple.

Part 3