I find several things about Abdul Saad’s theories brilliant! Did this give you clarity that your spouse is more of one than the other or did you feel like he has characteristics of both a pseudo alpha male and a nice guy? Did he start out nice then become more alpha as he took the downward spiral that Saad talked about in video 5? The truth is that humans have created psychological classifications/categories to try and make sense of human behavior, but no person is explained by categories. We are perfectly unique. And yet, these categories and their “cures” can make all the difference in the world when we are dealing with behaviors that destroy individuals, relationships, families, legacies. So if labels or strict descriptions bother you, take it all with a grain of salt. In many ways we are in uncharted territory when looking for information regarding destructive nice guys…

I’ve been mulling over this information for months now and have enjoyed discussing it with my tribe. After watching Saad’s videos, wives usually have a good grasp on whether their partner is in the “bad boy” alpha male camp or the “nice guy” camp. Many nice guys are nice in public but not at home. Wives of cheating bad boys and nice guys will have the same amount of pain, but our experiences can differ significantly. There are a couple of nuances that can be helpful for the wives of nice guys to know. With bad boys, the wife has seen him pulling away and hurting her for a while, so the disappointment and shock have been happening in smaller doses over time. Second, bad behavior signifies a bad internal world for most people. But for nice guys, good behavior can signify a bad internal world…. This one is really tough to sort out in the repair phase.

There aren’t many psychologists focusing on nice guys, especially in the addiction field. As we’ve discussed on the blog before, it’s not just out-of-control bad boys (and their wives) who need help and freedom from addiction. Responsible rule-followers who are struggling can fly under the radar for a very long time, especially in religious circles. Their weak points remain hidden from their partner and even from themselves. Nonetheless, their mismanaged negative emotion can wreak havoc in the life of a nice guy and those who love him. Saad explains this is so pronounced in nice guys because they push negative traits or habits into their shadow, leaving it unconscious and hidden from his own awareness. This is willful denial on his part. Kids have magical thinking. They get to remain oblivious to hard realities and real world problems. What happens for nice guys who continue thinking in childlike ways is over time these negative issues and problematic behaviors hidden in his shadow don’t mature or get incorporated into his adult self. So he can have a mature-looking public persona and a very immature private world.

Another thing that stood out in Saad’s videos is that nice guys tend to struggle with p*rn. Now this isn’t going to be a revelation to anyone reading this blog. Alpha males tend to act out in the open with real people while nice guys operate in secret, covert ways as not to blow their pristine image. And right here is where the betrayed partner of a nice guy starts fuming…. Because we purposely didn’t choose the overt bad boy. We know bad boys use people, break rules, and don’t keep commitments. They’re self-centered and ornery. Nice guys, on the other hand, are helpful, charming, do-gooders. They’re harmless…. or so we thought.

Recently I shared a fun Halloween post about Hitchcock’s classic film Psycho. A subplot has to do with the main female character’s run in with an alpha male, her boyfriend, and a nice guy, Norman. Early in the film we see Marion meet her boyfriend for a sexual encounter on her lunch break. She tells him they must stop meeting that way, that they should be having dinner in the parlor with a picture of her mother on the mantle. She steals money from her boss and runs away in an effort to marry him when she finds herself at Bates Motel being checked into a room by Norman. (play on words for “normal”) Norman certainly seems normal and harmless. He was bringing her dinner on a tray when he decided eating in the parlor would be more appropriate. We even see a picture of his mother on the mantle as they’re talking. But as Marion is showering, Normal voyeurs her through a peephole then murders her. Which male was more dangerous in the end?

Nice guys seem to have a good moral character. We see them going to church, serving the community, and being sacrificial. Like Saad said, in many ways they are in fact more mature and healthy than bad boys. Character is actually nothing more than how we habitually, repeatedly respond to life situations. We are known by our character – Proverbs 20:11. We can’t “change our character” but our character does change as our choices consistently change. Healthy people have public lives and private lives but not secret lives. Unhealthy nice guys have this secret shadow side struggling with many things that are destructive. To understand what’s going on with nice guys in addiction and what they need to help solve their problematic behaviors, we must look at personality. Personality is largely subconscious. I love all the personality tests like enneagram and Myers Briggs. However, the golden standard of personality assessments is the Five Factor Model, or the Big 5. We are born with certain personality traits hardwired into our temperament. The Big 5 assessment identifies traits that are measurable and present in all cultures in all periods of history. Like the emotion wheel starts with five or six basic emotions and expands each category to dozens of emotions, the Big 5 does this as well.

Below are the main 5 personality traits with more corresponding traits:

1. Openness- creativity and intellect
2. Conscientiousness – industriousness and orderliness
3. Extraversion – enthusiasm, assertiveness
4. Agreeableness – compassion and politeness
5. Neuroticism (sensitivity to negative emotion) – withdrawal and volatility

We are born scoring high in some categories and low in others, healthy development allows us to become more well-rounded and balanced. Have you had the experience of seeing an emotion wheel for the first time and realize your almost never feel entire categories of emotion? A good coach or therapist will help you to start feeling those emotions you’ve disconnected from. It’s similar when we look at the entire range of personality traits – we see we are weak in some categories and strong in others.

Personality traits aren’t good or bad, just like emotions. Every single one can be helpful or harmful depending on how its used. Parents can reinforce certain traits like agreeableness and discourage the development of others. Imagine a child who’s naturally more sensitive to negative emotion going through a negative experience. That will be a very different experience from a child who’s naturally low in neuroticism. The combination of our inborn traits and lived experience leaves us with beliefs or schemas that we behave out of. A person’s set of traits won’t change, although they can expand their awareness of deficits and work to become more balanced. Nor can we change our lived experience. However, we can take a conscious look at the beliefs fueling our behaviors. This helps us to understand the experiences that had such a profound impact on our lives.

Looking at the list above, one would guess that nice guys would measure high in things like politeness, orderliness and agreeableness while being low in things like assertiveness and extraversion. Saad referenced the nice guy’s lack of healthy assertiveness. Personality traits will not indicate things like addition or problematic behaviors. Once an addict gets sober and healthy, their traits are still present. The healthy parts of their moral character will still be there, too! We can all learn skills to balance out our personality trait profile. When they use those skills, they will create new brain pathways and new habits – a thoroughly healthy character with no secret world.

Nice guys aren’t as compassionate or polite as they may appear. They lack durability to go the long haul. When the terms of their secret contract haven’t been realized (and they rarely are because the other party has no idea there is a contract), they get vengeful. In fact, chances are high there is a serious deficit of things like genuine empathy at play. Secret contracts, secret resentment. This is where the double life is born and entrenched. All people have a public self and a private self. Healthy people don’t have a secret life. Bad boys do have secrets yes, but they act out in overt ways much more than nice guys. Nice guys can be very divided and very practiced at hiding it. I had no idea my nice guy had a secret life. I *never* in a million years would have guessed, either.