Our nice guy husbands don’t seem like narcissists. They’re charming rule-followers, often Christians. So I understand if you have trouble considering that your good guy might be struggling with a personality disorder or a smattering of traits from a few. When I hear the word “narcissist” I think “hollow core.” This word is ubiquitous and means different things to different people. This doesn’t diminish the fact that addicts have narcissistic traits which cause harm to relationships and partners. Narcs have a lack of identity because they haven’t had a healthy environment to grow up in. They must secure “supply” from outside of themselves. One narc expert said that narcs marry for supply, sex, and services (like cooking, housekeeping, family manager). With the typical, grandiose narc, they “discard” when a person won’t give them supply. Not so with a covert narc. Covert narcs are more prone to keep their spouse around while cutting her off emotionally. Grandiose narcs aren’t very sensitive to negative emotions, so it doesn’t bother them to use you and hurt you. Covert or vulnerable narcs do experience negative emotions when they’re rude or “bad” in front of others. Their attempts to pridefully go one up on you are subtle: they might charm and dazzle you as a manipulative tactic rather than insult or intimidate you. They might correct your intellect or implore you to follow rules or be a “good Christian.” They might withdrawal and say nothing at all rather than yell, like a grandiose narc would! Proverbs says that “charm is deceitful”. That’s not true for only women.

When my children were small, I liked to read books by a therapist who taught about parenting and marriage. He often used the example that we don’t want to teach our children mere behavioral compliance. That would be like tying apples on branches instead of tending to a fruitree. From afar the fake fruit might look great. But with some time, the fruit will rot and fall to the ground. Then you have to start pinning apples to limbs again. It’s exhausting. Our husbands have become masters at pinning fruit onto their lives rather than working to mature and grow real, lasting fruit from the inside out, over time. We know that development starts in the subconscious brain regions: attachment, alarm, attunement. Then, in more conscious ways, we develop identity and logic. If there isn’t secure attachment, calm or proper attunement during the developmental years, the conscious parts that express identity and executive function will not be online in a functional way as intended. So these individuals spend a lot of time trying to self soothe and look the part. The logical part of the brain spends all of its time going along to get along, managing. Good guys do that best by “being nice.”

In fact, they probably have a lot of sensitivity to negative emotions (anxiety, rejection, shame, failure, revenge), which is why their personality profile is so different from grandiose narcs or “bad boys”. Some experts say being in relationship with a vulnerable narcissist is more dangerous, because we never see the harm coming. Charm and obedience have been their proven method for getting supply, for calming and managing their internal world as well as relating to other people. They were forced to detach from some more typical masculine traits that don’t fit their “perfect gentlemen” image, such as aggression, directness, or drive. No trait is good or bad. Ideally we don’t want to score on the extreme high or low end of any trait. We also want to gain skills to grow in traits that we don’t have naturally.

Our good guys have also been cut off from some emotions such as anger. Detached from reality, their anger often goes rogue. We feel anger when our boundaries have been violated. That’s a good thing. But because good guys weren’t allowed to demonstrate things like anger, it has gone underground for them. Abdul Saad describes this in the videos as “the shadow.” Sex addicts tend to sexualize emotions they don’t know how to regulate. Voila. Sexualized rage, gone underground and rogue. This is how these nice guys become secret p*rn addicts who demean and objectify women.

Unlike grandiose narcs who exploit anyone and everyone, covert/vulnerable narcs do this secretly and maybe even to just one person in the real world- their spouse. We are the insignificant other. After all, they must maintain their perfect gentlemen image. So basically many of the good deeds these guys perform are really for their own benefit. It may appear to be for us, but it makes THEM feel good to spoil their wife or be Mr. Nice Guy. Then it makes them feel good to exploit women secretly via p*rn and hurt their spouse. This often takes on a “payback” or revenge quality for nice guys. They’re getting even for having been forced into the mold of a good guy who feels disempowered. However, as Dr. Ken Adams says, they’re taking this out on the wrong woman! These problems were created by their mother, not their wife. For whatever reason, sex addiction therapy or marriage counseling rarely gets to issues like the jekyll-hyde parts of their personality and issues like personality disorders. The nice guy addict can appear to be quite “with it” in therapy while the roots of his issues get ignored. Nice guys like to focus on to-dos and keeping rules, because they’re good at those things. This allows him to move through the therapeutic process.

You can imagine how maddening and unsafe it might feel to show up in therapy with this guy. Does he show up at his appointments? Yes. Does he do all the things to look like he’s succeeding in his support group? Absolutely. Does he present well in therapy – calm, kind, smart, all the things? By all means! Even at home he seems to be trying, at least most of the time. But something is missing. You don’t feel safe or connected. You’re stuck. He has mastered the art of going from the best behaviors to the worst without missing a beat.

Another way treatment might miss the problems with being married to a good guy addict is that these guys aren’t exhibiting emotions like anger, abuse, or control. Quite the contrary in many cases – they’re teaching Sunday School, romancing their wife, and even displaying remorse for wrong doings regularly. Many nice guys come across as very mature. Think of these men as never having a chance to be a boy. They were born responsible. As I’ve been in recovery, I’ve come to see that these guys ARE actually controlling. Manipulating and gaslighting via good behavior has been effective. However, being good to your wife while being unfaithful after she falls asleep is the epitome of evil. People don’t want to admit that because we do see the good they do.

When we let a part of us go rogue and unattached from reality, it’s as if a driver allows their hitched trailer to separate from the vehicle. They choose to remain in denial that they’re responsible for an uncontrolled trailer now speeding down a mountain toward unsuspecting drivers. The driver shows up at his destination happy and “unhitched” with no care of the damage being done with his “load.” Carefree bliss from a driver in this situation would be very sick indeed, and this is exactly where wives of cheating nice guys find themselves after the impact. It’s horrifying.

Here is a list of things that helped the fog of the nice guy spell to start clearing:

1. Listen to your body. You’ve been manipulated via kind actions, and that’s complicated for your brain to sort out. If you don’t feel secure or safe, it’s probably because he’s trying to fog you out with good behavior again. When he connects with real care, it will feel different and safe.
2. Use healthy detachment as self care a lot, especially if your good guy is anxiously attached. They will always be around and always trying to get you to re engage in their game of “I’m Prince Charming – Give me what I want”
3. Exposing nice guys takes more TIME, him changing takes more TIME (hey being good gets supply really fast so they don’t want to give that up), feeling safe around them again takes more TIME, seeing if they’re really committed to the work and transformation required to mature takes TIME! Remember the pinned apples. They can look red and shiney for a while. Nice guys pin some impressive-looking fruit. But over time it doesn’t last. So the journey with these guys takes longer. Real fruit will last, which means they will have staying power over the long haul. To use Andrew Bauman’s wording, if you’re married to Narcissistic Coward abuser, he will take the time you give him like a rope to hang himself… He will age like milk in recovery- he will SOUR!
4. Watch for words that don’t match actions. Maybe they apologize but don’t ever really change. If you were like me, you were accustomed to being bombarded with all the right words but not watching for actual follow through. So keep track. Dr. Weiss says “he’s coining you to keep the simulation going.”
5. This was really helpful for me: I had to sort out the traits that my spouse was born with and realize that A) it’s not a trick and B) he will have some of these traits forever. For example: rule following, being precise, having good manners, going to church, being compliant or agreeable. He does this for his own enjoyment or comfort. He may even be doing these things compulsively to feel better as opposed to most healthy adults who do these things out of service, overflow, or worship. Detach from his traits if needed, accepting that is who he is, he can do these things in addiction or health. You were manipulated by them in the past and believed your husband was mature, but now you know this was just how he developed because of his childhood.
6. Spend some time thinking about your traits too and how that impacts your “dance” as a couple. I am very much “what-you-see-is-what-you-get.” I hate stringing people along. I have traits on the extreme high end of the range as well – like agreeableness, politeness, and extraversion. As you consider your “dance” look for ways that he’s using you for supply, sex, or services in an exploitative, unreciprocated way. Maybe it would be healthy for you to be more suspicious to endure that you’re committing to safe people.
7. Look for ambiguity. Nice guys have ambiguous attachments which means they always have one foot in and one foot out. They look like they’re all in, but they don’t have the same emotional responses as someone who is fully committed or they self protect rather than sacrifice. **Attachments are SPECIFIC**. (Don’t protect the world…protect YOUR FAMILY)
8. Give yourself grace that your decades-worth of good memories now feel like poison in your memory bank. This was how he tricked you! Now I tell myself that all that good behavior was his attempt to feel good about himself. And eventually it rotted and fell. He might continue some of those good guy behaviors or be might stop… But YOU don’t have to react the same way.
9. Look for the nice guy amnesia “I don’t remember.” This tactic of not owning your crap is particularly common. If he actually has a problem remembering or understanding such important material, perhaps his mental state is much worse than you fear. Chances are it’s just a lazy defense tactic, and he probably knows on some level it drives you crazy. So yet another chance for him to look blameless and you to look unstable.
10. Watch for the spell he tries to cast over you and others by being charming. When he sees he isn’t able to use charm to manipulate (or control, rules, religion, good reputation), he might get mean and vindictive.
11. Don’t be his “Teddy” (this is a reference to the book Controlling People by Patricia Evans) Earlier I said covert narcs may only exploit one person – usually their spouse. I saw a side of my husband no one else did – his fears, his complaints, his weaknesses. So I stepped in and helped him. I thought I was a safe place for him which allowed him to show a vulnerable side. Then I learned he was also betraying me in secret for years. In recovery I’ve come to see that he wasn’t able to care for me in the ways I was caring for him – it was one-sided. That’s exploitative. I wasn’t aware that he would “take me” for some things but “leave me” for others. And that doesn’t work for me.
12. Look for the lack. These guys are good at “starving us out.” These behaviors are going to be familiar to people who know about intimacy anorexia or intimacy avoidance. Nice guys can give to others but withhold from their spouse. It’s very hard to identify what’s missing. You don’t know what you don’t know. These guys might get a sense of power by not being “pinned down” or obligated to their wife, even though they readily step up at work, church, or with friends or family. Once you start looking for the LACK, you’ll see a lot of it. He fails to remember things pertaining to you. Lack of follow through at important moments. Lack of initiative regarding you. Lack of prioritizing you.
13. Wives of nice guys have an extra step in our healing journeys: We must dismantle the nice guy image if our husband has a chance at real connection. **This often gets missed by professionals because it doesn’t need to happen with “bad boys.” When bad boys begin to change and grow, we all see new behavior. Often in therapy nice guys can *look* great without really changing much at all – and the wife can feel the lack of change. Sadly this keeps the men from getting help with their manipulative, abusive tactics or mental health. You can’t have love in an intimate partnership without truth. You can’t have love without protection. My husband isn’t a mean guy… But we’ve both seen he lacks sincere empathy regarding me. He looks very empathetic…. Keeping up appearances, which is abusive in marriage. 2Timothy 3:5 “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,  heartless, unappeasable,  slanderous, without  self-control, brutal, not loving good,  treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.“
14. Nice guys as young men often seem like a “diamond in the rough.” They may not know how to dress, be social, or do things around the house, etc. They may not have a lot of social skills.. What seems like boyish charm is actually a serious lack of maturity and skills. If you rush in to do things for him (like a mother), you’ll only end up exhausted and the object of his resentment for feeling disempowered. Don’t be his mother.
15. When creating boundaries, try to have ones that encourage him to engage, lean in, and care for you rather than giving him another chance to detach and not take good care of anyone other than himself.
16. Nice guys often operate with secret contracts. They think if they’re “nice,” others will give them something in return. When others don’t follow through, they get secretly revengeful and punitive. Some examples might be: If I’m nice to my wife, she will have sex with me. If I work hard, my boss will promote me. If I appease my mother this time, she will respect my boundaries next time. If I am a good dad, my kids will turn out right. If I go to church, my secret sins won’t matter. If I give my family money and gifts, they will respect me. Obviously we wives don’t know there is a quid pro quo in place which we aren’t giving consent to.

Do I think Phil is a narcissist in the clinical sense of the word? No I do not. I think he has some traits of various personality disorders: vulnerable narcissism, dependant personality disorder, and even some traits from passive aggressive personality. As I’ve already mentioned, personality is developed by inborn traits, responding to life experiences which lead to active beliefs and schemas. When a child is growing up in an unhealthy or unsupportive environment, there will be crooked growth and spotty maturity. In the case of personality disordered folks, it requires so much focus to simply function at normal life, that these people can easily become consumed with their experiences and feelings to the exclusion of those around them. These gaps can cause serious injury in the context of intimate partnerships. Keep in mind that when you are being hurt by someone with a personality disorder, they likely won’t see the big deal. Just as normal feels normal to you, crooked feels normal to them. Self-focus feels normal. Making those around you do anything required for your stability is “normal.” They’re missing some key traits or emotional skills the rest of us use as naturally as we breath or blink.

In closing I want to ask you to think about the apple tree. A middle-aged Christian man should have a healthy green canopy that shades those he loves. He should have a steady crop of apples to nourish others. The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. WHAT A LIST! This should be an effortless harvest from a healthy life. When you walk through an orchard, you don’t hear the trees groaning and straining to produce fruit. It’s a lovely byproduct of healthy and natural development. Because nice guys weren’t able to fully develop, their growth was twisted. Their canopy is spotty – some spots are nice and shady and others leave you exposed to the elements. When you get close enough to the fruit, you see it’s partly rotten because it was hung on the tree. Maybe what you expected to be healthy and nourishing is actually a heap of rotten fruit filled with maggots – in the case of years of sexual addiction. This can change but it requires the nice guy to have a life-or-death commitment to his transformation process. Galatians 6:7-8 “Do not be deceived: God is not to be mocked. Whatever a man sows, he will reap in return. The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; but the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life”