Where are you right now? In this journey through betrayal, we are all at different places and in different stages. Don’t feel like you are way behind in your growth compared to others. Let’s face it, we all started at the bottom. And no matter how far along we’ve gotten, guess what? Some days, we are right back there: at the bottom.

It’s been two years since I sat through around 4-6 hours of a Therapeutic Disclosure in my therapist’s office along with my husband of 32 years and his therapist. Two years later, I’m not “snot crying” on the floor anymore. The tears still fall every now and then, but they are soft and silent.

It’s written that God catches and keeps our tears in a bottle. I think my bottle is the size of an ocean.

You see, the information that came out in that disclosure and the follow-up polygraph blindsided me. I always believed when I would see wives on tv standing by their unfaithful husbands that, “she had to have known”. I apologize to those women today. Because, it just isn’t true. You only know what your husband wants you to know. And if his betrayal was always there, it’s even harder to see it.

Will my marriage survive this? I’ve been told over and over that my “old” marriage is dead. What does that even mean? That it died 2 years ago? Or was it actually dead before we even said our vows? I don’t know if you’ve been told that or whether you felt or feel relieved that it is dead. But it has been extremely hard for me to come to terms with that statement. I’m trying to figure that part out, even now. I’m still trying to understand how I could have been betrayed, duped, deceived, and lied to for 32 years….there are days I can’t get my mind around that. Why? Because I KNEW this man, even with his emotional detachment, I KNEW him! But, I really didn’t know him. I didn’t know him at all. And now, I’m not sure I want to know him at all. My goal during this season of my life is in knowing myself. That’s the journey I am walking.

My writings on this blog will not be sequential. They will sometimes be present tense and other times, past tense.

Just know, I see all of our hearts joined by this invisible, unbreakable cord. We are all united by our stories. And healing takes strong strides when we can share and talk about our story.

This is my story, and I hope you can receive some hope from reading about it. Hope, always look forward towards hope—Hope of surviving your story.

I’m signing off now…S.B. Heart