Would you judge a middle-aged woman crying in the grocery store? Honestly I would. I would think she needed medication perhaps or she needed to go home and rest at a minimum. I cried in the grocery store. In the card isle, to be exact. Recently I decided to pick up a birthday card for my husband while at the store. Reading through all the cards made me feel sick and dissociated. I had to see too many “Happy Birthday to the man who makes all my dreams come true” and “Years come and go but this I know with all my heart, you and I are forever. Happy Birthday to the man who makes life worth living” messages and so on and so forth. Card isles can be triggering for any woman because there are bikini models on way too many cards – what the heck, that’s gross…. This time I didn’t even care about that.

I haven’t given my partner a card of any kind for the past three years. I use to make big deals out of holidays for him. I was dreading his birthday, to be honest. But this year I decided to stretch a little and get a card and a few small gifts. Thankfully Phil gave me some solid, easy gift ideas. I don’t think my brain could have been very creative with gifts without the suggestions. I finally found a card illustrated with a couple star gazing – something we’ve done many times – that read (front) “You Complete My Universe” (inside) “Happy Birthday to my one and only”. Ok, he’s not my universe… that’s an exaggeration, but I liked the drawing on the front of the night sky, so I got it.

Before writing on it, I marked off half of “universe” and made it say “unit” instead. “You Complete My Unit” That I can go with these days. Recovery has shown me that my universe is much bigger than another human. Then when thinking of what to write inside, I cried again. I thought of his first birthday dinner right after Dday three years ago where I cried the entire hour before, couldn’t eat a bit, and sat in a booth with our kids trying to hold back tears the entire birthday dinner. It was a nightmare, and it had to be bad for our kids too who didn’t know yet what was going on with their parents. But I looked at the words inside the card: MY ONE AND ONLY. I can say 100% he was my one and only. I don’t regret for a minute being a faithful wife, even though my trust and naïveté were perhaps used against me by an addict at times and in the worst way. As I looked at the words I heard my coach’s voice in my head “You were faithful because that’s who you are. Faithfulness is one of your values.” That’s who I am. I am faithful to my promises. And that’s enough for me.

So that’s what I wrote in the card. This card is true of me. I thanked him for still being here while I’m doing the hard work of regaining mental wellbeing after the devastation of betrayal. That’s not a very nice message to put in a birthday card for him…. (I wince inwardly) This is all so messy. I seal the card. He sees me teary and asks why. I tell him it’s a hard day. I remind him of the first birthday after Dday. He agrees with me and tells me it must be a very confusing day for me. He cries a little too and talks to me about how the crazy duplicity of his addiction seemed normal mixed with the craziness of a lifetime of severe anxiety, which got so bad that it only seemed to calm when he was acting out sexually. This is his story, and it helps to hear it.

So many things about me are different. I cried in a grocery store – not a frequent occurrence, thank goodness. I cry on most holidays. I ache when I see old pictures. I don’t like having a lot of family pictures around. I don’t like wearing my gorgeous wedding ring (wedding rings symbolize a promise… ours was broken). It’s hard buying my husband gifts. I don’t like watching TV with my husband – triggers!! I don’t like having anything around from our wedding. I don’t like hanging out with old friends. It reminds me of the person I use to be, the one who was being cheated on. I don’t want to be her. And anyway, I don’t think I like those old friends anymore. They don’t understand situations like the one I’m living. I don’t like talking to extended family because it’s exhausting seeming “normal” even for just one conversation.

On holidays we celebrate the cumulative good of our journey up to now. When you find out your journey was actually quite different than what you were believing it to be, many things change. It takes a long time to sort out the truth, your new reality, and how you want to deal with that reality…one you didn’t sign up for. After betrayal, holidays can represent the deception and pain you’ve experienced. You can be keenly aware of your new, unwanted limitations. You can feel ashamed that you once celebrated holidays to the fullest but now you celebrate merely getting dressed some days. Holidays are a time when we focus on exclusive attachments: You’re my person. This is our family, our traditions, our shared life. It’s hard to celebrate after knowing your spouse skipped over you to choose other women… and you never knew you had competition within your own marriage….

Yes, I cried in the grocery store for important things to will not be true for me again – like being his one and only. But I also celebrated being brave enough to even read through the cards. I stretched and it seemed right. I didn’t reach toward who I use to be. I just stretched compared to where I was a few months ago. And it felt good. Phil likely won’t know what a great victory the card with the weird, self-focused uncelebratory message represents for me. That’s OK. I know.

People who cry in grocery stores might be some of the bravest souls you could ever encounter. Maybe they’ve come a long way to get to that card isle.