This Thanks For Sharing podcast on betrayal trauma is very good!

While this podcast is largely about dating, Dr. Stan Tatkin verbalized what my heart has been trying to communicate for a while! I bet you’ll love it too! I’ll post dialogue below, but there’s some good truth here starting at about minute 26:30:

Tatkin speaking to the faithful partner in couples who have lost trust due to betrayal when they ask “Are you committed to me? Can we even go forward? How can I even hope that things will get better? How can I hope that there will be trust next time? I’ve been lied to so much. I’ve been blamed for some of it. I’m afraid that all my efforts at restoring trust are just going to be broken and I won’t even know about it.”

If I lie to you – Here’s the big thing: a reveal of information that if previously known would have changed everything – you find out I’m a duck instead of a dog – anything that was kept from you causes a brain injury. That’s PTSD in all its form. There is no reason why you should ever, EVER trust me again. I’ve given you EVIDENCE that I can’t be trusted. Therefore, there has to be an architecture for getting the relationship back if it can be, but it HAS to be mediated… The person who’s been betrayed should have all the power. This is a pay-to-play system. You break it, you fix it. It’s expensive. Therefore, I don’t know if I’m going to let you back in. Here are my terms. And if you don’t like ’em, sorry. The person who did the treason here has no power for the time being

Dr. Weiss reponds: “Yes they’re one down and they have to earn back that equality with trust-worthy behavior. Meaning, often they have to do things they don’t feel comfortable with simply because it makes their partner feel better.” Tatkin continues:

And they can never claim that they should be trusted again. THAT is where you get the scarlet letter. And what does that person get for that [letter-wearing]? They get to be a better person… Simply staying in the relationship, you don’t learn anything from that. We want to learn from our mistakes.

Weiss: “This is really important for many of the betrayed partners I work with. It is never OK for someone to say “When are you doing to get over it?” or “Can you just give me a break?” or “I’m tired of looking at that unhappy face when I get home.” …. Bad actions that I [unfaithful] chose to take outside the relationship – you [partner] are NEVER responsible for that. Nothing you will ever do for me or DON’T do for me will make me have an affair. These are choices I make on my own.” Tatkin:

Human nature is to be self-centered, to get away with things if we can ….. [Morality] is higher complexity, higher development. It means I have to believe in something as a principle – not a law, not a rule – believe in something that is not only good for me, but good for my partner as well. I adhere to the principle because it is a demonstration of my character. I’m harming MYSELF when I break that, not just my partner. This is not lofty, unicorn stuff. I have examples of street people who are crazy, of aspergers people who have brain injury – THEY’RE secure functioning. They get it. They get their lives depend on each other. They don’t mess with that. EVER. If you were cop-car partners and your lives depend on staying together when you’re in danger and your partner goes out for coffee in the middle of it, that is a fireable offense, right?

People have to understand that there’s something greater [in marriage] simply than attraction, eroticism, interests, and so on. It’s not about money, time, sex, or kids. It’s ABOUT being able to travel through this life together, inter-dependent on somebody who you trust. And they trust you. We KNOW this. What leads to happiness, longevity, and good health? One thing, and one thing only: We have at least ONE secure-functioning relationship, ONE. If we don’t have that, we’ll die sooner, we’ll be crazy, we’ll get sick. If we’re in a terrible relationship, we’ll die sooner also. We don’t live in a culture that explains this to us…that forces this kind of commitment and loyalty. There’s something greater than you, and that’s the relationship you create which has trust, respect, safety, security. All of that is something you both are stewards of. You either do that or you suffer the consequences, which is going to be unhappiness … We have to learn what it is to work together – a two-person psychological system. We move together, we operate on principles of fairness and justice, cooperation.