After discovering your partner has been sexually unfaithful and lying to you for years, you feel like you’ve fallen into a rabbit hole where nothing is as it once seemed, like Alice in Wonderland. There was a day when you both stood in front of all the important people in your life and pledged to forsake all others and be committed to each other until you die. You kept that pledge. You had no reason to believe your partner wasn’t. You were living the fairy tale.

Like Dorothy after the tornado hit, discovery rocks your world every which way and drops you into a strange place. We are certainly not in Kansas anymore. If your relationship is anything like mine, my husband offers many apologies, cries almost as much as you, assures you he loved you, loves you, and always will. He’s going to counseling, he’s earning chips at his support group, and all the rest. Because your world has been rocked so badly, you want to believe these assuring words and actions. However, you’ve also probably encountered the maddening phenomenon that addicts lie, and they lie a lot. I’d bet money that your partner has told you at least once “you know everything” only to discover that isn’t true at all.

While traveling through this scary, odd Recovery Slough where your spouse is “doing the work” and saying the right things (MOST of the time), you don’t yet feel safe or secure. Perhaps there are things that he isn’t getting around to doing. Things that matter to you. Maybe things he’s told you for a long time he will do. And you also notice there are things he isn’t saying to you. Or certain conversations that always cause him to blow up or attack you. And here you are, already in a million pieces, like Humpty Dumpty. Yet, when assuring words aren’t followed by measurable actions, your heart manages to break just a little more. This scary, lonely place gets a little more dark and confusing and hopeless. He gets adversarial or unkind or withdraws. The little bit of hope you tried conjure up is dashed like Little Red Riding Hood who went to visit Grandma and found herself being chased by a wolf!

What’s happening here is you’re expecting Prince Charming but are sadly met with Meat Loaf. Not the food…the chubby rock singer. Sing along with me, ladies “I would do anything for love, but I won’t… do… THAT.” Are you feeling this dynamic in your relationship? If so, the addict is still choosing self protection over the relationship. He might be saying all the right things, but his actions still leave a lot to be desired. He isn’t consistent in holding your pain, and he lacks the endurance required to stay connected for very long. So what’s a damsel in distress to do?

First, recognize when he is playing VICTIM. This is a HUGE dynamic at play for addicts, and it doesn’t stop without intention. The Karpman Triangle explains how addicts (and others) stay stuck in certain drama loops. They feel victimized, they rescue themselves by numbing/escaping with addiction, then feel persecuted as the consequences of their choices become conscious, which leads to (you guessed it) feeling like a victim again. Sadly, this place is more familiar to them than maturity or reality, because it’s been around for so long. The door into this familiar drama for addicts is the coveted victim seat. He has to choose to stop taking that seat.

You may also identify when the addict “goes to victim” by the acrostic DARVO. This stands for deny, attack, reverse victim/offender. For example, you bring up the fact that your husband agreed to read “Worthy of Her Trust” months ago but he hasn’t gotten around to it yet. He responds “I do not have time to read any more books right now! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OUT OF CONTROL YOU ARE WITH BUYING BOOKS? I don’t have any more time after I go to therapy, attend TWO support groups, talk to YOU into the wee hours and the morning, do the extra house work so you can rest, and then pay for all this on top of it all.” Awwww. poor wittle baby…wahh wahh wahhh. Somebody lost their pacifier. He’s so pitiful and you are just a mean witch for asking him to read a book. Never mind the fact that your mind and heart have been shattered beyond full-repair and you’re experiencing a full-out nervous breakdown all day everyday.

So the next time you get “Meatloafed” [nice-sounding words but with little follow-through or safety], may I recommend the best shield I know to offer: a mirror. Just like Snow White’s wicked stepmother who wanted to be flattered by the mirror, our husbands don’t like it when we reflect unsightly realties about their deficits, so they attack. Simply don’t absorb any of the poisonous, self-pitying vitriol he unleashes onto you when lashing out in self defense. Instead, just hold up a mirror and reflect his behaviors back to him then detach (go back to your self care bubble). This might sound something like “We were having a decent afternoon together until you decided to attack me about buying books and play the victim. Let’s be clear: I am buying books to make sense of this nightmare we are living through due to your choices for the past several years. I can make any request of you that will make me feel safe. If you don’t want to do what’s necessary so I feel safe in this relationship and earn my trust, it’s obvious who you are protecting.”

For the betrayed, this part of the restoration journey feels like you were knocked down a flight of stairs, you’ve been trying to get on your feet for several months, things seem safe enough to take a few steps, then he pushes you down again. There’s no secure stability for your nervous system. So protect your heart with detachment until he’s made more progress.

For a man who has accepted the task at hand of helping you heal and winning your heart back, he will jump at the tangible gestures you offer him of growth and repair. Just like addiction and sobriety are two different states in early recovery, choosing self-protection in shame vs. connection/marriage due to a growth mindset is the desired transition of middle recovery. Once he is consistently doing these healthy behaviors, in time he will become your knight in shining armor. One day you will realize he is putting more work into recovery and your marriage than he devoted to addiction. In order to become that guy, your husband must enter his daunting, deep cave and slay the beast of shame. That guy is then firmly rooted in the safe kingdom of Realityland where wolves don’t masquerade and hide at the expense of little girls. But until your marriage gets there, Princess, stay safe from Meat Loaf’s siren song.

Some helpful resources on these topics:

Thanks for Sharing Podcast, Episode 177: The Drama Triangle

Dr. Jake Porter Trauma Triggers (Making Saves)

Helping Couples Heal podcast: Emotional Attunement and Shame

David Weber: Defeating Defensiveness Through Forbearance