My last post needs one clarification for betrayed partners. It was about how addicts are accustomed to playing the victim role and staying stuck there, which feeds the addiction cycle. But what about the fact that betrayed wives ARE in fact victims? Is it bad for us to be the victim? I’m glad you asked. 🙂

If being dropped into the world of infidelity and betrayal has taught you anything, it’s taught you that our society is upside-down about many important things such as sexuality, marriage, maturity, truth, and emotional health. I submit victimization is also in that category. On any given day on social media, you might see someone say “I will NOT play the victim card” followed by someone else saying “That’s victim-shaming!” Yes, addicts tend to like playing the victim while others might have an aversion to being a victim. So here are a few rules of thumb to consider when formulating healthy views about victims.

#1 Is the the so-called vicitm’s response to the offense/situation in line with the offense itself? You’ve probably noticed unhealthy/immature people tend to over-react. However, staying in denial to truly damaging treatment and under-reacting is just as unhealthy! Equanimity is a wonderful character trait!

#2 When you have been injured, remember to use appropriate means of justice. Often victims get violent in their (righteous) anger. And while this is completely understandable, it keeps them from being effectively heard and vindicated. Here is an excellent post about this! We don’t want to become a perpetrator from the victim position. (A challenge for most betrayed partners at some point in their journey)

#3 “Victimhood is a cul-de-sac.” Yes, sweet betrayed friend, you actually are a legitimate victim right now. It’s OK to have that role for a while. Your partner should make amends in time. You need to have time to stay in the victim cul-de-sac and care for your wounds, away from the busy traffic. In reality, betrayal takes us out of the game for quite a long time. However, when you feel stronger and more stable, you’ll want to start walking away from the victim part of your story into victory! Those who choose to stay in the victim cul-de-sac long after any harm has happened fail to ever grow up.

Being an actual victim is very different than playing one in order to stay stuck in a self-serving drama. Learning to distinguish between false and real victims is one of the treasures you’ll take out of this horrible, painful mess. When I think of a victim who fought rightly for justice, I can’t help but think of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. His courage, dignity, eloquence, fearlessness, and even style made real change. May we carry ourselves in a similar fashion, Sisters.