One of the most awkward and painful experiences for a parter healing from betrayal trauma must be attending weddings. We see the groom pledging his undying love and commitment to the giddy, believing wife. “I will always be there for you. I will serve you. I will never tire of gazing into your eyes. Every morning I will make you coffee and every night I’ll let you cry on my shoulder.” It’s even more awkward when you’re trying to help your own children navigate relationships and weddings. Part of me wants to tell my daughters when they’re considering a young man for marriage, “ummm, just watch him for 10 years, spy on his internet habits, and then decide.” It hurts a little to hear my son approach relationships and the opposite sex in a more mature, realistic way than my husband. He hasn’t given his mind to porn addiction for decades.

I want to tell every trusting, Christian girl looking for her knight in shining armor: Half of all marriages end. Even Christian marriages. A third of all marriages will be touched by sexual infidelity of some sort. A third of American adults struggle with addiction. 76% of Christian men admit to viewing porn at least once per month. If the book title is “Every Man’s Battle”, why is no one talking about the heartbreak that creates for every woman? No one is talking about the real state of Christian relationships sitting in the pews today. Those of us walking through these issues feel shunned and alone in our churches.

Attachment, intimacy, and love seem to be under attack. You see, every betrayed wife was at one time a hopeful, trusting bride. She showed up and was fully invested in the marriage and her partner’s wellbeing. Yes, unfortunately we found ourselves shocked and gutted by the discovery of a secret addiction. However, in most of our cases, addiction was masking deeper issues, such as personality disorders or mental illness or severe arrested development. Today I want to take a look at a couple of those issues: intimacy anorexia (IA) and relational circuits (RCs).

S. Heart and I met in a support group in the summer of 2018. Our coach was a God-send and a fierce spiritual warrior. Something she told us that still resonates today is “Addiction won’t destroy your marriage. The intimacy anorexia will.” “Intimacy Anorexia” was coined by sexual addiction therapist, Doug Weiss. This behavior goes by other names such as intimacy aversion, love avoidant, counter dependency, dismissive avoidant attachment, and covert narcissism.

Weiss defines IA as the active withholding – spiritual, physical, financial, social, emotional, or sexual – from an intimate partner. He says it only happens in the intimate partnership – friends, kids, and coworkers (even therapists) will think the anorexic person is great. The anorexic deprives his partner by the following: He will be too busy for you. He will avoid situations where physical closeness is expected. He may be a religious bully. They STRUGGLE to praise their spouse. (not others, however) They use anger and silence to create distance. They’re controlling. He’s superior or entitled. He’s into image management. He compares you or may have a “Fantasy woman” (porn, affair partner) that you can’t measure up to. He plays the victim. He believes he is “all good or all bad.” He sabotages; for example, he knows your love language but avoids giving it to you at all costs. They won’t talk about feelings. He blames you – YOU are the problem. Weiss says this must be treated as an addiction and requires specialized treatment and accountability. About one third of intimacy anorexics are sexual addicts, but all addicts struggle with intimacy on some level. 75% of addicts have dismissive attachment style.

IA is so very hard to spot because it’s what’s NOT happening that is the problem. We aren’t designed to look for what’s not there…. You simply don’t know what you don’t know. Watch this video to get a taste of how these operators work their “magic.”

In a previous post I quoted Stan Tatkin as saying that marriage is a pay-to-play system. You break it, you fix it. It’s expensive. Maturity isn’t about looking good, following rules, being smart or paying the bills. It’s about care – for self and others. It’s an emotional reality. If you are comfortable starving your spouse of care and affection, you need to get professional help. If you married your wife for companionship or as a caretaker but you’re not concerned with her emotional or sexual wellbeing, you should have bought a dog instead. There is a phrase in psychology that goes “Be seen or be sick.” The technical phrases are attachment, attunement, mirroring, mutual mind. Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder, and this issue is the heart crux of the matter. Addicts (and non-addicted anorexics) like keeping a safe distance between their heart and their spouse, but this is cruelty to the partner. Be sure to keep reading this series because there is help for this issue!

It’s no secret, I’m a Life Model Works junkie. I want to share one of their simple teachings that helps with connection. They teach that the relational circuits in our brains are either on or off. We don’t need our relational circuits on for transactional exchanges like paying at the grocery store. But when we are interacting with our loved ones, especially about important matters, it’s important that we have our RCs on. If your RCs are off, you’re in enemy mode. Your brain simply wants to win. That’s not how we want to interact with our intimate parter.

Some signs that your RCs are off are that you want to win, you’re annoyed with the other person, you don’t want to make eye contact, and you’ve lost curiosity about their experience. For an untrained brain, big emotions like fear, stress, and excitement can shut those RCs off. Once you notice your RCs are off, take a break from interacting to regain peace. Then you can turn those RCs on by using the acronym CAKe – Curiosity, Appreciation, Kindness (do a loving, kind gesture for your partner – find out what their love language is for better impact). This podcast has some excellent info about RCs.

Resources:

Heart to Heart Counseling with Doug Weiss is a good place to start. His book on the topic is called “Married and Alone.” They have support groups for both the anorexic and the partner as well as intensives.

Dr. Janice Caudill’s practice now has support groups for intimacy anorexics.

IA Partner Therapy

“Created for Connection” is a great book on attachment

When Sobriety is Not Enough