Addiction 101, Part 9: Narcissism and Predators
Especially in the early days of recovery, I consumed an unbelievable amount of resources! Books, podcasts, online conferences, etc. Even in that vast sea of information, sometimes, years later, a random quote from a random podcast can sound in my head and answer a hundred questions. I was listening to a podcast from a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. One survivor said “I think when a person has been perpetrated against, a touch of that perpetrator energy can be inside of a survivor.” In parts 8 – 11 of this series, I tackled some of the more painful issues that may be a part of your journey out of sex addiction. I can understand if you struggle reading this material. I struggle writing some of it. It hits close to home. It’s complicated. And yet, seeing issues at face value and choosing a better way has brought freedom and growth in our recovery process. When a couple survives discovery, disclosure, polygraph, and sustained sobriety only to find the relationship failing to improve, it’s discouraging. Let’s get real, we feel like we are beating our head against a brick wall many days.
When it comes to making sense out of human behavior, there is a wide spectrum of knowledge from “the word on the street” to “what Momma said” to “prescribed church norms” to “the simple language your coach might use” to “self help books” to the “approach of a therapist” to “thick, boring psychological books and long-winded professor types who use mysterious $10 words.” That’s a lot of quotation marks. While formal psychology has been around for a little over a hundred years, we’ve always been trying to make sense out of human behavior. “Cheaters never change.” That’s the word on the street. Maybe your momma said, “It’s the quiet ones you have to worry about” or maybe she gave you no relationship advice at all! Maybe your church warns you against believing those $10 words because the word of God is “profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.” Hey, that pretty much covers all the bases… But what about when you did all the church things and you still have a problem?
The truth is that humans are vastly complex. Most of our behavior is subconscious to us. The field of psychology and brain science is relatively new. These fields are looking under the hood of the human heart. Most people don’t care to understand human psychology – they just want to suffer less. That’s valid. In my journey, the sweet spot has been when a professional in the field can put these heady concepts into very simple terms and make them easy to understand. My first coach did this so well one day in group when she said our husbands have been wearing masks. Their adult self has been playing a part, a role. There are many $10 psychological words to explain that process, but “wearing a mask” is perfectly understandable. Language can fail us as we try to assign words to complicated cognitive functioning. Some words mean different things to different people…. Some words are weighty because they carry the stigma of a serious label. Sometimes you may need to look past a word to contemplate the reality behind it. Or maybe a picture would do a better job. I’ll share a picture a therapist used to explain an addict’s ego that I thought was genius. Addicts often go through life like this:
Addicts, because of a weak sense of identity, are always looking for things to sustain their sense of self. Up and down, day after day, needing the next hit. They need people and things outside of themselves to fill them up to function, to vivify them. ($10 word) They don’t have an internal motor or motivation. We’ve often heard this called “narcissistic supply.”
Professionals are reluctant to use the term narcissist because they define it as a diagnosable personality disorder with measurable traits. True. However betrayed wives see behaviors in their spouse that can only be explained by the term. Entitlement, grandiosity, lack of empathy, selfishness, pride, supply/discard, superiority, gaslighting. Active addiction does mimic the condition of certain personality disorders like narcissism, and they usually resolve during the recovery process. Partners are smart enough to understand that most addicts won’t warrant a diagnosis. Regardless, if these dynamics are present in your relationship, love and safety won’t flourish.
Rob Weiss has a great podcast on sex addiction and narcissism.
For anyone interested in some $10 words about the topic, the video below is fascinating! Sam Vaknin, although a little rough around the edges at times, is an expert in narcissism: its origins (being raised by a narcissist) and the cure (owning that you don’t want to abuse those closest to you, mortifying the false self, and feeling the pain of their childhood).
In another video Vaknin explains why narcissists can hurt others so easily. He asks “Why do you not hurt others? Because it pains YOU when you hurt others. But this is not the case for the narcissist.” Their focus is on keeping the inflatable man alive – whatever it takes. Even exploiting others. The fragile ego must FEED!
Dr. Jim Wilder does a good job teaching about exploiting others and predatory behaviors in this video:
Sex addicts aren’t only exploiting the trust of their families but they also exploit the porn performer, the sex worker, the affair partner. As addicts are working hard to maintain their sobriety plan, rebuild trust with their partner, and strengthen maturity deficits, love the way God defines it is a wonderful guide. If you love your wife, she will feel safe around you. If you love God’s daughters, you will not dehumanize, objectify, or sexualize them.
Sex addiction takes from others. It uses people. Consent is a very important concept that should always accompany human sexuality. Did you have your wife’s consent to leave the marriage sexually? Did you have that jogger’s consent to use her for your own sexual gratification? Do you have your friend’s consent to fantasize about his daughter? Dr. Omar Minwalla is pioneering the way to establish that deceptive sexual practice is abusive. His research and new paradigms regarding the effects sex addiction has on partners and families is needed. Understanding that a sexual predator is a specific term relating to criminal offenders, sexual addicts do indeed exhibit predatory behaviors when they behave without consent. Like Wilder says in the video above, to not protect is to prey upon by default.
Dr. Anna Salter says that predatory behaviors do not correlate to things like patriarchal societies. They’re shaped more by cultural norms, ie, what one can get away with…. Minwalla’s work also supports the “boys will be boys” herd mentality of exploiting women as well. Men are taking cues from other men, and sadly, the good ones often stay silent.
If you’d like to learn more about predatory sexual behavior, get Dr. Anna Salter’s book “Predator“. If you’d like to hear more from Dr. Omar Minwalla’s ground-breaking work, check out this podcast.
The character traits listed in this blog are serious: Entitled, selfish, cold-hearted, predatory, exploitative, abusive. I don’t think any little boy aspires to this list for his legacy. Sexual sin destroys a healthy conscience. Losing your conscience is like losing the brakes on your car. “He that hideth his sins, shall not prosper: but he that shall confess, and forsake them, shall obtain mercy.” Proverbs 28:13 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
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