Addiction 101, Part 13: Shame
Shame is a force that is affecting your recovery and relationship, whether you’re conscious of it or not. Of all the topics covered in this series, getting a handle on shame will probably give you the most immediate relief. It took us a while to see shame for what it is. While this post won’t be exhaustive, it will lay out what we learned to make progress in putting shame in its place.
The NUMBER ONE rule about shame is: SHAME MUST BE REPAIRED. However, some things must be known about shame before we can even know how to start repairing shame. Firstly, we need to know that there are a couple emotions that are cluster emotions – meaning it’s really several emotions combing to create a perfect storm. These two emotions are anxiety and shame. To start making sense of what’s happening during a shame storm, one must tease apart the different emotions that can be acting upon you to make you feel ashamed. When we tease apart how we feel when we’re ashamed, we can see we feel embarrassed, exposed, less than, humiliated, like a failure, afraid, excluded, not good enough, rejected, and the list goes on. Some therapists believe these two cluster emotions are the most emotional pain a person can be in: states of anxiety or shame. Ironically, shame fuels the addiction because the shame one feels after acting out leads them to want to numb again – and the death spiral is repeated. Seeing shame at play is key to stopping the cycle. One leader with a sex addiction program says he leads a shame reduction program.
The second thing you must know about shame is that it’s a social emotion. We feel ashamed in relation to other people. If we’re alone, the shame doesn’t surface until another person enters the scenario – like when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden. Reading Genesis 3 teaches us a lot about shame. In the previous chapter it says Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. They were natural, known and free. But after they sinned, their eyes were open to the darker side…. They doubted God, even though Adam was the one God instructed to not eat the fruit, he didn’t tell Eve the whole story or stop her from eating it, they felt exposed, they covered with temporal leaves, they hid from relationship, they were afraid of God, Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, God dispensed the consequences of pain and toil. The rest of the Bible is how God through Jesus is doing the NUMBER ONE rule regarding shame – he repairs it. The Bible says that those who know Him will not be put to shame. God is the lifter of our heads! However, it says in many places he puts people to shame as well. God is OK with people being ashamed when their choices call for it. Could you say there is a place for healthy shame? Yes, as it helps us to stay in healthy standing in our relationships. One might even conclude that God allows shame to exist to aid us in staying in fellowship with your fellow humans… For example, it’s fear of social shame that keeps us from passing gas in public or leaving the house with no pants on. And in these cases, a sense of shame is a good thing. There is a healthy sense of shame or guilt. When it becomes unhealthy or toxic is when (NUMBER ONE rule) it can’t be repaired.
For humans, it’s of utmost importance that if we do wrong, we are given the chance to repair the situation and make it right. This is a big part of the 12 steps – making a moral inventory and making amends. This is how we clear our shame and get back into good standing with those around us. Herein lies the test of whether shame is healthy or toxic: Am I actually guilty of doing wrong in this situation? If yes, then I can repair it and make it right. When we think of a time when we felt ashamed and then apply those questions, we see we are often wrongly shamed. Pia Mellody says when we are around those who are shameless, we can feel the shame they aren’t owning. That’s profound! Here are more examples of toxic shame: those around us are shameless, we aren’t actually guilty, someone is manipulating us with the threat of shame which will exclude us from relationship, our own brains accuse us needlessly. When we feel ashamed for things we aren’t responsible for and therefore can’t make right, we must release those shameful emotions. Unhealthy people are masters at wielding shame against others because, as we discussed, it’s extremely painful. Shame can be an effective manipulative tool. I am sure most betrayed partners have felt transferred social shame due to our partner’s choices. However, we are powerless to “fix” our partner, so it’s important we don’t absorb the shame that accompanies actions that impact social standing in society. We didn’t choose to act out and we can’t make it right. Our partner must do that repair work.
As an aside, it’s important to note that our society is in the throes of changes regarding sexual mores. Things that use to be shameful are now accepted or celebrated shamelessly. Every person has a right to their own ethos regarding sexual practice. P*rn is not accepted by everyone. It’s always wrong to cheat and lie to your intimate partner. Just because someone is shameless, doesn’t mean anything is OK. Those people often can’t engage in healthy relating. Each couple gets to choose where their boundary lines will fall.
Facing and repairing shame/guilt when we are indeed responsible is how we heal it. Toxic shame that we aren’t responsible for should be released. The image above shows the unhealthy things we do to avoid feeling shame. Chances are, if you’re in a relationship with an addict, most or all are at play. Addicts aren’t good at tolerating pain. Once a relationship has been rocked by infidelity, there is a lot of pain. The betraying partner is responsible for this, and there’s a lot he can do to show up for his partner as she does the work to heal and put her life back together. For human relationships, rupture and repair is better than no rupture at all. As parents, it’s important we walk through this with our children. Ruptures can heal if the offending party will own the problem, repair, and (for intimate partnerships) rebuild trust. But if the betraying partner can’t tolerate the feeling of shame, he will attack or withdrawl. It’s imperative he doesn’t transfer toxic shame onto his partner to shut her down so he doesn’t have to feel the negative emotion of his choices. He can’t mature and the relationship can’t heal when shame is mismanaged in this fashion.
Phil loves to quote author Jay Stringer when he compares handling shame with a photographer. Stringer says “A photographer who got great, up-close shots of sharks was asked how he had the courage to get so close to the animal. He said sharks actually can’t see you if you go straight at it. Shame is the same way. The best tactic is just straight on!” Good one!
Most addicts are good at compartmentalizing things that would make them feel ashamed. They get their wires crossed….. For example, all people have public and private parts. But we don’t have secret parts. Addicts have secrets that they’re ashamed of, so they keep everyone at arms length like Adam and Eve hid from God. Just like them, we don’t feel we are deficient until another person wants to come close and see/know us. This becomes habitual and maladaptive over time. When we find ourselves in moments of a shame storm or spiral, it’s important to get some grounding to identify if this is healthy or toxic shame. Then we can begin the repair or the release of toxic shame.
RESOURCES:
This podcast does a brilliant job of showing how toxic shame is keeping a couple from real intimacy.