In the previous post we covered how the painful feeling of shame makes us hide from relationship, which makes us run to addiction to numb, which makes us ashamed after we act out. Shame fuels addiction and addiction fuels shame. Is there a key to unlock this pesky cycle? Actually, yes! But it requires a broader understanding of what addiction is. Some call it a boundary disorder. Some call it an intimacy disorder. Yes, both true. But I like how Dr. Jim Wilder classifies it. He says that addiction is born in attachment (he means the lack of it). So one could say addiction is an attachment problem. Now what does that have to do with the price of rice in china when an addict is obsessing about their next hit even if it will cost their job or their marriage?….

In Part 12 of the series, we talked about how our brains habituate EVERYTHING! A habit turns into an addiction when we do the activity to regulate emotion. The change from habit to addiction also means the activity slips into the subconscious parts of our brain. So let’s take a deeper look into why a brain might not be able to emotionally regulate. Jim Wilder spells this out in his book Rare Leadership. We all know about right and left brain. Typically we say the left brain is the logic part and the right brain is the emotional part. Imagine you were looking at a brain from behind – you see the left brain and the right brain. Yes, it’s true the left is the logic – all the info we’ve learned is filed in the prefrontal cortex (behind your left eye). The right brain houses our emotions and experiences. The right brain is a little more interesting…. In his book, Wilder compares to the right brain to a building with 4 floors. The bottom floor – down in your brain stem – handles attachment. The next floor up is the amygdala which handles alarm – it’s pretty primitive so it registers good, bad, and scary. The mid part of the right brain is the cingulate gyrus. It handles mirroring or attunement. It’s shaped like a banana and sometimes called the “mother core” because it’s developed beginning in infancy as we interact with out caregiver. The fourth and final level in the right brain handles identity.

Here’s where this gets really interesting: We are born with 2.5 levels operating at birth – attachment, alarm, and some attunement. As we grow and develop, so does the rest of our attunement, our identity centers, then our logical left brain. Wilder calls the left brain the executive suite that sits atop our brain structure. Going from one level to the next is like an elevator that glides up and down a building taking info from level to level. A brain that’s in too much alarm or missing floors altogether doesn’t function properly. If a person’s brain is overwhelmed with attachment and alarm, they may never properly develop any kind of real identity. The left brain actually has a default setting that takes over to function in emergency states. WIlder says it’s like the secretary in the executive suite. In IFS language, we call it the manager. It looks logical and mature, but it’s not connected to the right part of the brain in a healthy, calming way.

Here’s where this gets really, really interesting: Our right emotional brain processes 5 times/second while our left brain processes 6 times/second. This means it’s your emotional brain that’s kicking in faster than your logical brain. Levels 1-3 are largely subconscious while identity and logic are conscious. So for those who have had bad attachment experiences which lead to bad and scary alarms systems and lack of mirroring, their brain function is a mess! Under stress, our emotional brains unravel faster than our smart logical brain can make sense of – and we don’t even know it’s happening consciously! This leads to internal dysregulation, which leaves a child grasping for anything at hand to calm their emotional state. People with healthy attachment had the benefit of being informed and regulated by a more mature, caring brain. They learn that human relationship is how we regulate when distressed. Seeing this bigger picture allows us to see addiction isn’t the problem. It’s a bad solution to a deeper problem. It’s an attachment problem. (Now that you know these things about the brain, when dysregulated become conscious of the triggers. Remind yourself of your values then see if you can get some mirroring or attunement from a safe, regulated person. Then work on calming those alarms in your brain. We’re simply using our conscious executive functioning to walk down those levels of brain activity.)

Before we move on to talk about the key to unlocking addiction in the brain, we need to see that addiction is a habit that has slipped into the automatic subconscious part of the brain and is used and activated by the emotional part of the brain. Addiction pathways, once automated with repetition, never go away. We can lay new habits in the brain, but when we feel emotionally distressed, there is a subconscious “solution” always at hand.

Addicts are obsessive… In fact, addicts have trouble filtering out unneeded information they come across in every day life. We’ve talked about obsessive compulsive disorder. Understanding how healthy brain function builds on itself allows us to see that compulsivity is an issue with the level 2 alarm system. That’s why it made all the sense in the world when OCD expert Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, in this video on habits and addiction, explained what disarms the addiction circuitry in the brain. From minute 27:21 to minute 39, he says addiction can be turned off when our brain is conscious of what is valuable and relevant to our core values! Dr. Schwartz is saying behave in accordance with your IDENTITY! Now this isn’t a one-and-done answer. Remember, addiction operates subconsciously while identity is engaged consciously. Dr. Wilder says we should be asking ourselves “What is it like me to do?” “What is it like my people to do in this situation?” Addicts have to consciously bring their value system and identity into the decision-making process until it becomes automated. Living in accordance with ones values has a calming and strengthening effect on the nervous system. (good for betrayed partners, too) In Internal Family Systems language, this is allowing our “functional adult” to “drive the bus” or make the decisions.

Active addicts still have a concept of who they are apart from the addiction, but they’re not really being that person. Author Maia Szalavitz said even though she was a strung-out cocaine addict, she still thought of herself as an ivy league student who would go back to school next semester. In “The Biology of Desire” Dr. Marc Lewis writes about an addict who would steal medications from her family’s medicine cabinets. One day, a relative recorded her and asked her to watch. She was a professional nurse. This was nearly unbearable for her to see – she cried and begged the relative to not make her watch herself behave as an addict. Addicts aren’t integrated in their brain function or psyche. The elevator is out. The various parts don’t interact internally. In sex addiction treatment, this begins when the addict writes out their full disclosure. Szalavitz also highlights that most people can try a thrilling experience or substance without succumbing to addiction. She says “A healthy brain will recognize it can’t afford to lose itself to addiction.” This healthy brain has had the luxury of secure attachment, which has allowed an identity to develop that informs the left-brain decision making process.

Addicts have an under-developed identity. Many think their default “manager” is who they really are… Not the case. That’s a stunted image not a full-hearted man with the ability to make change and grow. Following rules or looking good isn’t maturity. You have core values, but addicts haven’t automated the ability to live within those values, especially when emotionally dysregulated. Identity is what bridges logic to feeling, subconscious to conscious. Bringing awareness to things that are valuable and relevant to us (family, faith, sobriety, wellbeing, authenticity, legacy, marriage, safety) starts to integrate our brain function. From that level four in the emotional brain, we can see the logic brain that helps us make good decisions, but we can also reach down to level three mirroring and know we need to be with those happy to be with us so we feel seen and known. That calms our level 2 alarm system, which will allow us to access the deep attachment parts of our brain. Attachment is the beauty of having the back of your people and them having your back. Going to relationships when distressed can now be safe. Guys, you CAN LIVE into becoming the man you want to be.

Szalavitz and Dr. Judith Grisel both have points in their stories out of addiction where they, after their dad had pursued them with care, realized they were daughters who had a family. This realization made their addiction look unattractive. Their fathers’ continuous pursuit reminded them of their true identity despite the addiction trying to win out over other ambitions in the brain. This realization is what changed their story. Reminds me of the prodigal son returning home. Knowing who you are is a powerful force.

Tip: One of the most effective tools for Phil is using the phrase “that’s not relevant to me” when he sees people or images that he would have used to get high in addiction. Those things are relevant to addicts, and being an addict isn’t your core identity. Those structures in the brain we want to abandon and weaken. Being a God’s son, a husband and father are a part of your identity. Here is an acronym he’s learned:

BRACE – Breathe, Remember what you’re about (identity), Accountability Call, Exercise a new thing

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