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Category: for the guys

Deeper Thoughts on Enmeshment

Deeper Thoughts on Enmeshment

(This video belongs to Seeking Integrity and Jon Taylor of White Pine Recovery. Taylor works with Dr. Ken Adams, a pioneer in the phere of mother-enmeshment. I’ve compiled a few clips of his recent video for this blog post. Many thanks to all for putting this material into the recovery community. Please check out their websites and ascribe them for this video content.) Please excuse my crude video tactics and the poor audio. I’ve recorded clips of this excellent video…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 8 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 8 of 9

This post of the series is written specifically for the guys. I want to take a moment to say that both S. Heart and I are approaching the four year mark post discovery. We’d both say that we have recently seen some encouraging change in our husbands. We see glimmers of something new growing in their lives. I wanted to share an example. A friend in a support group who is also married to a good guy reached out to…

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Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 1 of 9

Nice Guy or Something Else? Part 1 of 9

You might be in recovery with a “nice guy” if: He faithfully goes to therapy or group but you’re not sure what, if anything, is changing. You and everyone else was *shocked* that he had a secret life – especially a sexual one. Your therapist or coach has said “He’s a really great guy. I like him.” Your friends and family think you’re living the dream with Prince Charming. He never skips church – even when deep in addiction. He…

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Addiction 101: RECAP!!!! (and some gold nuggets)

Addiction 101: RECAP!!!! (and some gold nuggets)

Friends, this series is now complete!! It would mean the world to me if you share it with recovery friends and those in ministry who want to learn more about sex addiction. I can’t believe it took me 12 months to get it “on paper” (that’s embarrassing)… Here is the complete series: Maturity Why Sex Addiction is Different What How Who, Why, and When Simply Sober Fantasy Parts and Dissociation Narcissism and Predators IA and RCs Control and OCD Deception…

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Addiction 101, Part 14: The Key

Addiction 101, Part 14: The Key

In the previous post we covered how the painful feeling of shame makes us hide from relationship, which makes us run to addiction to numb, which makes us ashamed after we act out. Shame fuels addiction and addiction fuels shame. Is there a key to unlock this pesky cycle? Actually, yes! But it requires a broader understanding of what addiction is. Some call it a boundary disorder. Some call it an intimacy disorder. Yes, both true. But I like how…

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Addiction 101, Part 13: Shame

Addiction 101, Part 13: Shame

Shame is a force that is affecting your recovery and relationship, whether you’re conscious of it or not. Of all the topics covered in this series, getting a handle on shame will probably give you the most immediate relief. It took us a while to see shame for what it is. While this post won’t be exhaustive, it will lay out what we learned to make progress in putting shame in its place. The NUMBER ONE rule about shame is:…

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Addiction 101, Part 12: Deception

Addiction 101, Part 12: Deception

As the old adage goes: How do you know if an addict is lying? If their mouth is moving. Addiction and lying are inseparable. More than anything, the vast web of lies and deceit her partner has spun for years is what leaves a betrayed partner immobilized and hopeless about rebuilding any kind of trust or future. Especially for couples from faith traditions, the ability the addict has to lie – often by omitting important truths – leaves the faithful…

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Addiction 101, Part 10: IA and RCs

Addiction 101, Part 10: IA and RCs

One of the most awkward and painful experiences for a parter healing from betrayal trauma must be attending weddings. We see the groom pledging his undying love and commitment to the giddy, believing wife. “I will always be there for you. I will serve you. I will never tire of gazing into your eyes. Every morning I will make you coffee and every night I’ll let you cry on my shoulder.” It’s even more awkward when you’re trying to help…

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