This post of the series is written specifically for the guys.

I want to take a moment to say that both S. Heart and I are approaching the four year mark post discovery. We’d both say that we have recently seen some encouraging change in our husbands. We see glimmers of something new growing in their lives. I wanted to share an example. A friend in a support group who is also married to a good guy reached out to me this week after yet another discouraging set back where her husband was defenses and shut down after a slip.

I texted her: Phil was petty and combative for so long. It was like he had to fight me before he could soften and hear me. He still does this to a lesser degree. These nice guys aren’t fighters by nature, so it’s painful to see them fight the one they hurt.

Phil added: It’s a shame response. We may not see it that way at first but it is. It’s a very internalized automatic response that we need to observe and give up. It is not serving either side well. It actually prevents us from finding our mature, caring voice towards the wife. As long as the good guy is being “good,” we also have the ability to avoid hard realities about lack of maturation. Once that is removed, a lot of the defenses are down and the shame shows up in a big way.

One reason I have been able to think through this issue, research it and blog about it is because Phil has been very open about his experience as well. He is making progress in this area. I have written that nice guys are manipulative and go one up. But that isn’t how you feel. You feel disempowered and desperate. Chances are, most nice guys had a close relationship with their mom or women as boys. They came out of the shoot with some traits that made this easy, but before they knew it, they were cut off from other men and therefore didn’t develop some of the necessary aggressive kinds of traits that men need to keep themselves and their families safe. Men make men. If that has been missing in your life, I am sure you feel the void. Think about the modeling (or lack thereof) from the men in your life. Dr. Stan Tatkin talks about part of the success of a marriage depends on how resources each partner is as an adult. Do you have a full toolbox of skills to help you emotionally regulate, take good care of yourself and those you love, make sound decisions, protect what matters most to you, and the like?

Perhaps the tools you left home with didn’t set you up to complete the tasks of being a real man. Maybe you were abandoned by the men in your life and exploited by the women. And while none of us like being in the sex addiction recovery club, the truth is there are some kind folks and great resources here to help you stock that tool box so you can build some lasting things for those you love going forward. It will require a complete overhaul from the ground up, but it gets easier as you go. Rather than a ratty tree with rotten apples falling off, a strong fruitful tree that your ancestors can use even after you die to build great things. You are an ancestor to children yet to be born. What you are leaving behind?

Andrew Bauman has done the church a great service in defining some of the ideas that plague marriages and relationships in the most harmful and destructive ways. Please read his helpful article that I referenced in post 4 of this series as well. Also make sure you watch Abdul Saad’s videos in Part 1.

I am going to write about my observations of what Phil is learning in regards to being a nice guy. His list could be different, but I hope you find the information helpful.

1. You must stop hurting the people you love. You must be committed to this reality like your life depends on it, otherwise you won’t have a family or a legacy. The ways that you’ve been responding to life probably feel normal to you, but it’s not. Once addiction takes hold of a brain, that’s an even-deeper level of unhealthy thinking that you might not recognize. The acting out, emotional roller coaster, selfish defenses, mind games, and denial stop here. Your wife and kids don’t deserve to keep praying the price for your failure to grow up.
2. You must deal with your sex and p*rn addiction first then the personality and maturity issues. This requires a support group and usually therapy.
3. Consider that you may need help with your mental health. This can be hard for men to admit. Often problems present at first in ways like addictions.
4. Be aware of your insides not being the same as your outsides. For nice guys, maybe internally you’re angry but you seem happy on the outside. If you’re harboring resentment or secret behaviors from your wife, you need to deal with this. Are you being compliant at work or with extended family even if it’s not in your best interest? Are you appearing to have it all together when internally, you’re falling apart? Are you looking to a woman to make you feel masculine? Remember your wife believes how she sees you behaving, so tell the truth.
5. As a part of my healing, I had to dismantle the good guy image I believed to be true of Phil. He needed to do this as well. This can be confusing at first because these entrenched behaviors can feel like the “real you.” Spend some time considering your inborn traits and separate that from behaviors you don’t want to continue. ie You’re a polite person but that doesn’t mean you have to always say yes to your mom. You like being precise, but being obsessive about details is taking it too far. You are a faithful church attender but you see how you attend church to calm anxieties rather than to deepen your relationship with God. Don’t pin behaviors on your life (like apples on a tree) out of obligation to maintain a good image. It won’t last. Don’t waste time pinning fruit over and over and over. Change course to treat the tree so the good things grow from an abundance of health.
6. Growing as a man means you must fight to protect the things you love. Don’t confuse this with being combative with your wife. After betrayal, you must treat her with care and gentleness and never aggression.
7. Know the kind of man you want to be then make choices that line up with that identity. Being the man you want to be means saying no to lesser things. As Dr. Adams says, real men don’t do things that don’t line up with their goals. It’s not a conversation, it’s a statement “No.”
8. Stay connected to the needs and experiences of those you’ve committed to love (wife and kids above all). The truth is that addicts and some persons with maturity issues struggle to have appropriate levels of empathy, even to those closest to them. Empathy must be expanded in your life. A few common roadblocks are fear of connection, pressure to perform at church/work/extended family to the exclusion of your family, self protection above others-protection.
9. For nice guys, charm is easy and being charming has made for easy results. Instead of you using your disposition to “wow” others, particularly women, be committed to follow through on what really matters to you no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, like helping your wife heal from your betrayal. That’s a long, and sometimes, difficult task. Find other men to support you.
10. Avoid being ambiguous in your attachments. Be all in for the things that matter, and decisively shut doors on things you’re not committed to.
11. Don’t expect your wife to provide care and comfort for you. This can be a long time in coming after your marriage has been affected by infidelity. I have seen the most change and growth in Phil after he’s been working with a coach who is encouraging the guys to FIGHT to be real mean and to be committed to what their wife needs to heal. This is the NEW THING. It makes me feel safer!
12. Be committed to no secrets between you and your wife.
13. Abdul Saad talks about being a grounded man. This starts by letting go of outcomes. Stop people pleasing.
14. Don’t allow your wife to mother you and don’t resent her for the practical skills that she has that you may lack.
15. LEAN IN when those you love the most need you. Don’t disappear, don’t leave them hanging. When healthy male presence is missing in a family, it’s tragic. Be the man.

This podcast shows a man seeing how his shame and fear of being wrong is keeping him from experiencing the good things he wants. Like Phil mentioned above, removing old masks brings the shame up in a big way. Not having opportunities growing up in repairing shame means you may feel ill-equipped to manage it within the context of a close relationship.

A good podcast for guys on the key to healing after addiction.

I haven’t read this book, but it comes highly recommended: Not Nice.