In this series we’ve covered how trauma is more than suffering. Trauma acts like a sledgehammer on a person’s brain. Traumatized brains don’t function in an integrated manner, making it nearly impossible to process our new reality and heal. Your very survival and self-concept have suffered a mortal blow. We have a severely-decreased capacity to handle life… We must take the healing process seriously. Your brain, body, and heart must feel SAFE to heal.

No matter what happens, you CAN get yourself to SAFEty!

This will require you use your voice and boundaries to take good care of yourself. You will need to make space to heal. As you start implementing these healing practices, you must be careful to not expose yourself to too many unSAFE people or experiences. Let’s look at a few examples:

• While your husband could be experiencing stress after D-day, his betrayal hasn’t thrown him into trauma. Don’t expect to recover like he does or at his pace.
• Even well-meaning friends won’t understand your trauma responses. They might expect you to “get over it” more quickly than healing from trauma requires.
• Perhaps your husband’s therapist is good for the addiction, but if he isn’t partner-sensitive and trauma-informed, his treatment won’t be SAFE for you.
• Requiring too much of yourself won’t allow you to increase your capacity gradually. Don’t over-do it… Trauma healing is hard work and a long journey.
• Pastors and churches are notorious for dispensing simplistic 50-50 advice that borders on putting all the responsibility on the partner. (Marriages impacted by betrayal may never be 50-50 again.) This kind of advice is bad for so many reasons. Until your trauma is healed or unless your pastor is able to recognize and treat trauma, church won’t be a SAFE place for a while.
• Husbands can be a tremendous healing agent in your life by implementing the things we talked about in this series. But if he isn’t willing, then you can do it for yourself.
• Speakers and resources that don’t understand trauma and/or make light of infidelity.
• Be safe for yourself by not being vulnerable with those who don’t understand betrayal trauma.

SAFEty is vital to your healing. I am giving you permission stay safe – whatever that requires. Then take the steps discussed in part 3 seriously. Give yourself lots of grace.