In part 2, we looked at how trauma reduces our capacity. With that in mind, I want to share the six things I think are most important to healing betrayal trauma over time. This process will take years. However these trauma-healing practices are gold! God will use these things for your good for decades to come. They’re tools of healing you can pass onto to others, too! Your healing is your daily priority, not your husband’s sobriety and not the marriage.

1. Truth – Of all addictions, sex addiction is the easiest to conceal. Perhaps no money went missing, there are no bottles/pills to hide or evidence on the addict’s deteriorating body. You were observing a reality that was being manipulated as the addict withheld important information from you. He was harming you, your marriage, and your family behind your back while presenting himself as a committed and caring partner. To put it mildly, it wreaks havoc on a person’s psyche to learn the person you trusted the most has deceived and harmed you, for years. Allow yourself to explore the reality that your husband wasn’t the person he allowed you to believe he was. Allow yourself to start to accept these new, not-so-savory parts of him. These things are so hard to see and accept. He may still be working hard to look or sound like anything but an immature “junkie.” He doesn’t want to see the truths about himself either. As you’re able to accept this new reality, little by little, your gut and brain will integrate and your heart will begin to feel more calm and safe. Journaling is a gentle way to start interacting with these harsh truths. It’s a very good practice for your traumatized brain.

John 8:32 "...you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

2. Grief – When it Comes to Trauma, Healing Work is Grieving Work. There are significant losses for you related to your partner’s infidelity and addiction. Allow yourself to grieve these losses. He had years to act out, and now you should be allowed just as much time to grieve how much that acting out has cost and hurt you.

Psalm 56:8  "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
Lamentations 3:31-33 "For no one is cast off by the Lord forever.  Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.  For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone." NIV
Isaiah 53:3 "He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief"

3. Boundaries – Use your voice to keep yourself safe. Notice how your body feels. Does seeing your husband carrying his phone into the bathroom trigger you and throw your body into an anxious state? Be confident about establishing the boundaries you will need to feel safe while also being in relationship with your partner. Remember, boundaries must have consequences to be effective. A benefit of getting better at establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in your marriage is you’ll get better at using boundaries in all parts of your life. Your most important job is to stay stable and operate within your capacity. Remember, God has boundaries and is okay for us to receive the consequences of our choices.

4. Healthy Detachment – The unfaithful partner has a lot of work to do before we are ready to have a close relationship again. We will be simply observing the work he’s doing for a long time. The sad truth is that without the numbing effect of the addiction in their life and the ability to gaslight, manipulate, and use defense mechanisms to “look good”, being in relationship with the addict will get worse before it gets better. I love my coach’s term for this place where the addict is sober but not yet mature and safe. She calls it The Messy Middle. You must detach as needed. You no longer have to be on his crazy train, emotional roller coaster, or the tail on his kite. This comes especially handy if, for example, he won’t observe your boundaries with respect. Detachment can mean simply not doing the things you did before D-day, an in-home separation or living separately. It’s also about allowing him to reap the (difficult) consequences of his choices. It won’t help him in the end if we rescue him from consequences. It’s not about punishing him, it’s about you having the power to keep yourself safe and stable. As he grows, you can slowly reattach as it is safe to do so.

5. Self Care – It will be imperative that each day you have times of peace/rest and simple joys to calm your nervous system. Go ahead and take that bath, get your nails done, take time to journal, light a candle and relax to your favorite music. Let others serve YOU. Take breaks from EVERYTHING. Gentle exercise is a wonderful way to release stress and improve your mood. Take self care and calming seriously. You may never turn back 🙂 If you feel guilty doing these things, recall the words of our first therapist: He owes you!

6. Mirroring – This is a big concept for recovering couples, which is why I’ll share most about #6. This dynamic can be called several things: Empathy, holding her pain, secure attachment, connection, mutual mind. How you will recognize this (rather, a lack of this) at first is you will notice the addict’s inability to tolerate your negative emotional states.

The best way to calm a distressed nervous system is with another more-calm nervous system! This is largely subconscious – we connect through a sort of “neural wifi.” When we are in distress and someone is with happy to be with us in that low place, we feel seen. We start to calm and heal – our brain starts to become more integrated. Mirroring is so good because of what it isn’t. It isn’t about correcting a person, instructing them, solving problems or judging them. It’s observing, accepting, comforting, and providing understanding.

Let’s face it: Addicts have purposely been running from emotions and interpersonal connection for a long time! They’ve reinforced a selfish focus, demanding those around them acclimate to their dysregulated emotional roller coaster. They’re not accustomed to leaning in to provide connection, especially deeply vulnerable, long-term emotional connection. You need to be mirrored, and it likely won’t come from your husband until he does a lot of recovery work. (In essence, this is crux of the matter: the addict’s ability to securely attach to God, self, and others)

Also know that friends and family likely won’t be able to mirror you. Infidelity wounds are deep, hard, painful, and difficult to bear. Most even-well-meaning friends don’t have the kind of strength required to be on this journey for very long. So find a community of women who can mirror you. This is one of the main purposes of this site. Also practice being with Jesus and having mutual mind with his thoughts. He’s always happy to be with us. Our problems and our distress don’t dysregulate him. He calms our storm.

Before ending this post, allow me to state the obvious: it’s uncomfortable when our partners see us in sadness, worry, hurt, distress and refuse to let it effect them. They won’t “get in the pain boat” with us. They might tell us things like “I’m fine! You’re the one who can’t get over it.” or “Obviously YOU are the one who needs therapy. I don’t understand why you can’t just forgive and move on.” Dear One, this is adding distress to your already-traumatized brain. Use your boundaries and healthy detachment to not be around him when he’s communicating that way to you. Until he has learned to mirror, protect your heart from harm, and to do what he can to help mend what he broke, then he’s not safe when you’re hurting.

And that leads us to the last and final part in this series!