Addiction 101: RECAP!!!! (and some gold nuggets)
Friends, this series is now complete!! It would mean the world to me if you share it with recovery friends and those in ministry who want to learn more about sex addiction. I can’t believe it took me 12 months to get it “on paper” (that’s embarrassing)… Here is the complete series:
Why Sex Addiction is Different
As I see this list, some of these really stand out for us in Phil’s recovery – like fantasy. He’s still seeing ways in which his brain wants to slip into it. I know there’s more to the battle of killing addiction – maybe a polygraph, lots of truth-telling, eliminating those edging behaviors that put you near the addictive cycle/acting out…. Withdrawal is terrible… “Using” dreams. 🙁 The partner hearing crazy addict-speak coming from her husband’s mouth – we still have that at times as well. It’s tough. I also know that getting sober isn’t the same as healing your marriage. That takes a lot more work. Not to discourage you, but finally facing those attachments wounds and all the twisted development in the addict’s life because of them is harder than getting sober. Changing your attachment dance (as author Sue Johnson calls it) as a couple also takes a lot of hard work. S. Heart and I will continue to write and share about those things. Hopefully this series can give you a little education on opening the door to sobriety, but that’s the beginning of the journey. If you’ve read this series, you know more than what 99.9999% of people know about problematic sexual behavior. It’s not a high libido. It’s not a matter of their wife giving them more sex. It won’t “go away.” It’s an addiction and requires specialized treatment.
I’ve given you several pithy definitions of sex addiction in this series! And this post is no different. 🙂 The recovery community seems to have a fondness for these wise sayings. The one-liners I’ve already shared: Addiction is a catastrophic failure to mature. If an addict’s lips are moving, he’s lying. Once and addict, always susceptible. Addiction is an intimacy disorder. Addiction is a failure of boundaries. Addiction isn’t the problem – it’s a symptom of a deeper problem. Addiction is born in attachment. A man who walks into a strip club has never built anything. I have more where those came from, so please allow me to share just a few more. I had a teacher who would say “Here’s a goooold nugget” before saying a wise proverb. Here are a few nuggets for addicts and partners to take on their journey.
First, I want to share a quote that sums up a lot of this topic up for me. “Sex can be an emotional short cut for men in a way that it can’t for most women.” When that ability to take advantage of those shortcuts in life disappear, the sober journey can feel very long and wearisome. The “real road” is new territory for a former addict, and that can be humbling for a man who’s old enough to know better… It’s not for the faint of heart.
A poignant quote from this great podcast: “The end or the addiction is evident when the debt that I accrued borrowing good feelings from the future comes due.” Wow. Often in recovery we feel that – we feel scarcity of pleasure, positive emotion, good will, stability. But we can start rebuilding now rather than continuing to deplete. Recovery becomes a lifestyle. We must remember that “One drink is too many and 500 is never enough” because the dopaminergic systems used in addiction activate wanting/desire and not satisfaction. The simple, everyday pleasures we encounter elicit satisfaction. That’s a big deal when healing the brain, and that’s how we balance things in life.
Resources:
In this last summary post I want to share one of my favorite addiction resources: Dr. Kevin McCauley’s film Pleasure Unwoven. You can find it for free on youtube in small clips. It’s in this film that he shares one of the best guiding principles I’ve heard regarding addiction. Here is a paraphrase: “The question is posed to us – Is addiction a disease or a choice? It’s a disease OF choice.” That my friends is the crux of the matter.
Therapist Tim Fletcher has a fabulous youtube channel featuring several issues relating to trauma and recovery.
PS “No matter how far you get down the road of recovery, you’re always the same distance from the ditch.” OK, I had to throw one more quip in. Using these one-liners makes me feel like a real part of the recovery community. 🙂 I trust you will take the meaning to heart. Thanks for reading this series!